But FIRST, a pre-blog to my blog or what used to be called the "preface". I am going to call it
MESSED UP.
MESSED UP
A few weeks ago, I was at a restaurant, of course by myself. I wanted to read so I asked if I
could sit in the quiet (empty) section of the restaurant, a pretty little sun room with plants. The perfect place to sip a Mimosa and leisurely read my magazine, one of many that have stacked up over the months. I was completely content. Then a semi-handsome single man walked in and had the audacity to sit down a few tables away.
"Shit," I said to myself, looking up from my magazine, then back down at it again. Asshole.
I was fine until he walked in.
Of course, I tried to ignore him and OF COURSE, if he was even semi-handsome (not bad), he had to be waiting for someone--his woman OR his man. I don't know anymore and who cares. None of my business.
I glanced up at him. He was looking at me. WTF? These things never happen to me.I am not a walking Hollywood script. I am the opposite of a Hollywood script, the very NIGHTMARE of a Hollywood script. In fact, I am such a nightmare-not-a-Hollywood-script that in MY MOVIE, the semi-handsome guy would walk in then proceed to puke on me. This is how bad it is.
Used to having NOTHING work out for me in this realm, I looked back down at my magazine, now INCREDIBLY interesting, more interesting than ever before. I was determined to ignore this mother fucker asshole ruining my Tuesday morning of relaxed bliss; but not before I noted when I glanced up that he smiled at me. C'MON!
He ordered water, lunch then finally, finally, started playing with his device (no, no, no, I mean his DEVICE--droid, I-phone-19, whatever, stop it). I don't have one and never will. I am blissfully device free aside from a cell phone I keep with me like some people keep a hand gun--for my protection only.
Looking down at the same paragraph I had now read five times, I thought "surely his woman (or man) was going to show up soon."
Ten minutes in and nobody showed up. I looked up and he was looking at me again. Rude. Finally, of course, I said something, more because SOMEBODY had to do it and once I did it, I could get back to my, MY time.
"I like the misters," I said in all my brilliance. What a great line!
"Yea," he answered.
BOY WE WERE OFF TO A SWINGING START, LET ME TELL YA!
"It's just so nice to be somewhere peaceful," he then said to me.
OH MY GOD, REALLY? Yea, until you showed and fucked it up.
And off we went, the two of us, chatting--about nothing. He wasn't waiting for anyone. He had the day off and was just enjoying himself. There was something about dropping off his son at a friend's house. He didn't have a ring on. He was chatty, friendly, nice. Funny.
It was lovely and it resulted in absolutely nothing. It was a waste of my precious time. Truly, my precious time reading my magazine and sipping my Mimosa. I should have been rude, even a bitch because he ruined my day. Because I was waiting for SOMETHING. ANYTHING but the deal is, modern men, for whatever reason, cannot operate in the 3rd dimension. If it's not on a screen, it doesn't exist. I didn't exist. We are losing the ability to interact in the real world.
What this means is it is far more likely we would hook up if in that same period of time, I showed up ON A SCREEN versus as a real person. While he was sitting there confusing some other woman, he would be emailing/texting ME...this appears to be the only way to meet anymore.
NOT in the third dimension. Not in the real world.
But I still live in the third dimension so I was waiting for him to get on with it, be a gentleman--ask if it was ok if he joined me. Ask what I was drinking and if he could buy me a drink. ("Sure, I'll have another Mimosa and would you like to have one too and join me?"). But he was an ass. Men are asses now. It was so obvious we liked one another, had a rapport, could talk/laugh easily so I waited, like in the old days--for him to act like a man. Take the reins. But he didn't and I refused to. I won't anymore. If a man is so pathetic and stupid that he can't even get a clue about wooing a woman even just a little bit, and I have to do it, I am not interested. I won't do it. If a man cannot function in the third dimension, I have to be on a screen in order to exist, then I don't want him.
This didn't stop me from pretending, fantasizing after he finished his lunch and beer and left. I decided to pretend..."Imaginary Lovers, Never Let You Down..."
"Do you mind if I join you? I'm alone too," he says. His name is Dan.
"No, no. How nice. Feel free!" I say. (Meaning: I'm lonely and horney as hell too. PLEASE!)
"What are you drinking? Can I buy you a drink?" he asks, smiling.
"Mimosa. You too?" I answer.
"Well, I started out with a beer but ok. Mimosa it is." he answers.
Later we go for a walk by the river...exchange phone numbers. Make plans to meet again.
But no. No, because men are inept now. Stupid even. This is not the first time (read my older posts).
Meeting the nice, interesting, semi-handsome man who has to leave to check his responses on Match.com. I should know by now but hope springs stupid...Maybe this ONE can exist in the third dimension?
BUT this blog started out saying I met the perfect man! If that wasn't him, who was it? DO TELL!
It was a homeless guy in San Francisco who sat next to me at the Bart station. He said I was "sexy" and "hot". He said, "um UHmmmm, MAMMA!" He said, "you are a sexxxxxy MAMMA! Baby you are HOT."
Then he left.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Friday, March 20, 2015
Current Culture: Narcissism Unmasked
Read my past posts and you know I hate Facebook. All Facebook is doing is cultivating even more narcissism in our culture--and Zuckerberg is a genius for tapping into it. He understands the primitive nature of the human species and now he is a bazillionaire. Too bad all his creation does is make it worse but he doesn't care because he is part of the whole primitive element. He got into it for himself to begin with.
But this post is about generational narcissism that pre-dated Facebook, maybe even led to its creation. This post is about if Boomer generation people can be real friends.
Per past posts, I also hold the Boomer generation in disdain. I am not a Boomer, barely missing it by a few years, but my siblings are Boomers. They tend to be very self-absorbed and self-centered. As soon as any topic has its nerve to sway off them, they are done with the conversation. I should be used to them by now but I am not. Now my way of dealing with them is simple avoidance.
But can you avoid your friends that are narcissistic and yes, you are saying, "hell, you just said you avoid your narcissistic siblings. Of course you can avoid your narcissistic friends!"
Exactly. It's not as simple and I don't know why.
Through no fault of my own, most of my friends are Boomer age and I am now coming to very painful terms that NONE of them will ever be the kind of friends I need and deserve, because like a vein of some kind of element running through rock, the vein of narcissism runs through the entire Baby Boomer generation. It is just who they are and criticizing, demanding, withholding...however you want to deal with them, is not going to work. You either accept them for who/what they are or end your relationship with them. The past year, I have opted for the later. I just nixed my third friendship or not, with another narcissistic "friend". I may be a bit physically lonelier, because at least there is another body next to you at a movie even if they are closed off to you emotionally, but overall, I am doing better. But how long can this go on? How many more friends will I nix out of my life because they don't meet my needs? Is this narcissistic on my part?
No because my needs are simple. All I have ever wanted from one of these former friends is for one of them to ask, genuinely, "how was your day today?" "What's happening in your life?" "How are you?" But none of them ever do, did. I realized I could have been dead in my house for weeks and none of them would have cared, called. They got in touch with me on their terms, based on their needs. I filled a void for them. Validated their existence. Listened to them prattle on with nary a concern for me.
And now I am done.
The last "friendship" I nixed a few days ago, unexpectedly. Maybe because I was tired. Maybe because I was jealous.
Her husband died and left her a bunch of money. She is now rich and I am definitely NOT.
Per narcissistic behavior, her glee over all the money Michael left her overpowered her grief but who am I to judge if someone is "really" grieving or not? All I know is about a month after his death, she regaled me with her plans to travel around the world, blathered on about her new "spiritual awakening" that included a $2500 "spiritual retreat", and mentioned a bunch of new things she bought off the web. At one point she even said, "Thank You Michael!" leaving me in an abyss of confusion--"you just thanked your dead husband for dying?" What? Lordy, lordy but losing a husband sounds like a great time!
In the middle of our conversation while she was awash in her postmortem bliss, I blurted out, "you know, my dog got away this morning and almost got hit by a car." Silence. "Glad you got him back," was her reply. "What if I didn't get him back. How do you know if I got him back?" "Well, I just assumed you did." Silence. Then she picked up right where she left off---about some god damned new pillow. Really?
I hung up on her. She didn't call back. If she does, I will hang up on her again. I will do whatever it takes.
Then again, she is a Boomer and a narcissist and the thing about narcissists is they just don't get it. They never will. This is what makes dealing with them so exasperating. This is why you just have to nix them out of your life. You can't wait for them to come to some epiphany, apologize, be contrite. It's not in them. Why can't I get this? But now I am.
But wait--it gets worse!
Right after this, I watched a program on television--National Geographic--Brain Games. It was a show about the cultivation of compassion. If the human species is to survive, and really why should it if it continues to be as narcissistic and stupid as it currently is, it will come down to if the human species can cultivate more compassion. What was so depressing is they did a research study and what they found, I guess not surprisingly, is if people do not feel like they can get something out of you to benefit THEM, they are not inclined to build a relationship, say with you, or me. In other words, apparently we are all a bunch of selfish fucks.
And I am idiot I guess for thinking if I wait long enough, look long enough, am deliberate long enough, I WILL find the one person left on the planet who may actually like me for me. The one person left on the planet who isn't in it for themselves, at least not 100%. A true friend.
In the meantime, I do have true friends I love so much and they love me back unconditionally---my dogs.
But this post is about generational narcissism that pre-dated Facebook, maybe even led to its creation. This post is about if Boomer generation people can be real friends.
Per past posts, I also hold the Boomer generation in disdain. I am not a Boomer, barely missing it by a few years, but my siblings are Boomers. They tend to be very self-absorbed and self-centered. As soon as any topic has its nerve to sway off them, they are done with the conversation. I should be used to them by now but I am not. Now my way of dealing with them is simple avoidance.
But can you avoid your friends that are narcissistic and yes, you are saying, "hell, you just said you avoid your narcissistic siblings. Of course you can avoid your narcissistic friends!"
Exactly. It's not as simple and I don't know why.
Through no fault of my own, most of my friends are Boomer age and I am now coming to very painful terms that NONE of them will ever be the kind of friends I need and deserve, because like a vein of some kind of element running through rock, the vein of narcissism runs through the entire Baby Boomer generation. It is just who they are and criticizing, demanding, withholding...however you want to deal with them, is not going to work. You either accept them for who/what they are or end your relationship with them. The past year, I have opted for the later. I just nixed my third friendship or not, with another narcissistic "friend". I may be a bit physically lonelier, because at least there is another body next to you at a movie even if they are closed off to you emotionally, but overall, I am doing better. But how long can this go on? How many more friends will I nix out of my life because they don't meet my needs? Is this narcissistic on my part?
No because my needs are simple. All I have ever wanted from one of these former friends is for one of them to ask, genuinely, "how was your day today?" "What's happening in your life?" "How are you?" But none of them ever do, did. I realized I could have been dead in my house for weeks and none of them would have cared, called. They got in touch with me on their terms, based on their needs. I filled a void for them. Validated their existence. Listened to them prattle on with nary a concern for me.
And now I am done.
The last "friendship" I nixed a few days ago, unexpectedly. Maybe because I was tired. Maybe because I was jealous.
Her husband died and left her a bunch of money. She is now rich and I am definitely NOT.
Per narcissistic behavior, her glee over all the money Michael left her overpowered her grief but who am I to judge if someone is "really" grieving or not? All I know is about a month after his death, she regaled me with her plans to travel around the world, blathered on about her new "spiritual awakening" that included a $2500 "spiritual retreat", and mentioned a bunch of new things she bought off the web. At one point she even said, "Thank You Michael!" leaving me in an abyss of confusion--"you just thanked your dead husband for dying?" What? Lordy, lordy but losing a husband sounds like a great time!
In the middle of our conversation while she was awash in her postmortem bliss, I blurted out, "you know, my dog got away this morning and almost got hit by a car." Silence. "Glad you got him back," was her reply. "What if I didn't get him back. How do you know if I got him back?" "Well, I just assumed you did." Silence. Then she picked up right where she left off---about some god damned new pillow. Really?
I hung up on her. She didn't call back. If she does, I will hang up on her again. I will do whatever it takes.
Then again, she is a Boomer and a narcissist and the thing about narcissists is they just don't get it. They never will. This is what makes dealing with them so exasperating. This is why you just have to nix them out of your life. You can't wait for them to come to some epiphany, apologize, be contrite. It's not in them. Why can't I get this? But now I am.
But wait--it gets worse!
Right after this, I watched a program on television--National Geographic--Brain Games. It was a show about the cultivation of compassion. If the human species is to survive, and really why should it if it continues to be as narcissistic and stupid as it currently is, it will come down to if the human species can cultivate more compassion. What was so depressing is they did a research study and what they found, I guess not surprisingly, is if people do not feel like they can get something out of you to benefit THEM, they are not inclined to build a relationship, say with you, or me. In other words, apparently we are all a bunch of selfish fucks.
And I am idiot I guess for thinking if I wait long enough, look long enough, am deliberate long enough, I WILL find the one person left on the planet who may actually like me for me. The one person left on the planet who isn't in it for themselves, at least not 100%. A true friend.
In the meantime, I do have true friends I love so much and they love me back unconditionally---my dogs.
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