Friday, March 20, 2015

Current Culture: Narcissism Unmasked

Read my past posts and you know I hate Facebook. All Facebook is doing is cultivating even more narcissism in our culture--and Zuckerberg is a genius for tapping into it. He understands the primitive nature of the human species and now he is a bazillionaire. Too bad all his creation does is make it worse but he doesn't care because he is part of the whole primitive element. He got into it for himself to begin with.

But this post is about generational narcissism that pre-dated Facebook, maybe even led to its creation. This post is about if Boomer generation people can be real friends.

Per past posts, I also hold the Boomer generation in disdain.  I am not a Boomer, barely missing it by a few years, but my siblings are Boomers. They tend to be very self-absorbed and self-centered. As soon as any topic has its nerve to sway off them, they are done with the conversation. I should be used to them by now but I am not. Now my way of dealing with them is simple avoidance.

But can you avoid your friends that are narcissistic and yes, you are saying, "hell, you just said you avoid your narcissistic siblings. Of course you can avoid your narcissistic friends!"

Exactly. It's not as simple and I don't know why.

Through no fault of my own, most of my friends are Boomer age and I am now coming to very painful terms that NONE of them will ever be the kind of friends I need and deserve, because like a vein of some kind of element running through rock, the vein of narcissism runs through the entire Baby Boomer generation. It is just who they are and criticizing, demanding, withholding...however you want to deal with them, is not going to work. You either accept them for who/what they are or end your relationship with them. The past year, I have opted for the later. I just nixed my third friendship or not, with another narcissistic "friend".  I may be a bit physically lonelier, because at least there is another body next to you at a movie even if they are closed off to you emotionally, but overall, I am doing better. But how long can this go on? How many more friends will I nix out of my life because they don't meet my needs? Is this narcissistic on my part?

No because my needs are simple. All I have ever wanted from one of these former friends is for one of them to ask, genuinely, "how was your day today?"  "What's happening in your life?"  "How are you?"  But none of them ever do, did. I realized I could have been dead in my house for weeks and none of them would have cared, called. They got in touch with me on their terms, based on their needs. I filled a void for them. Validated their existence. Listened to them prattle on with nary a concern for me.

And now I am done.

The last "friendship" I nixed a few days ago, unexpectedly. Maybe because I was tired. Maybe because I was jealous.

Her husband died and left her a bunch of money. She is now rich and I am definitely NOT.

Per narcissistic behavior, her glee over all the money Michael left her overpowered her grief but who am I to judge if someone is "really" grieving or not? All I know is about a month after his death, she regaled me with her plans to travel around the world, blathered on about her new "spiritual awakening" that included a $2500 "spiritual retreat", and mentioned a bunch of new things she bought off the web. At one point she even said, "Thank You Michael!" leaving me in an abyss of confusion--"you just thanked your dead husband for dying?"  What?  Lordy, lordy but losing a husband sounds like a great time! 

In the middle of our conversation while she was awash in her postmortem bliss, I blurted out, "you know, my dog got away this morning and almost got hit by a car."  Silence.  "Glad you got him back," was her reply.  "What if I didn't get him back. How do you know if I got him back?"  "Well, I just assumed you did."  Silence. Then she picked up right where she left off---about some god damned new pillow.  Really?

I hung up on her.  She didn't call back. If she does, I will hang up on her again. I will do whatever it takes.

Then again, she is a Boomer and a narcissist and the thing about narcissists is they just don't get it. They never will. This is what makes dealing with them so exasperating. This is why you just have to nix them out of your life. You can't wait for them to come to some epiphany, apologize, be contrite. It's not in them. Why can't I get this? But now I am.

But wait--it gets worse!

Right after this, I watched a program on television--National Geographic--Brain Games. It was a show about the cultivation of compassion. If the human species is to survive, and really why should it if it continues to be as narcissistic and stupid as it currently is, it will come down to if the human species can cultivate more compassion.  What was so depressing is they did a research study and what they found, I guess not surprisingly, is if people do not feel like they can get something out of you to benefit THEM, they are not inclined to build a relationship, say with you, or me. In other words, apparently we are all a bunch of selfish fucks.

And I am idiot I guess for thinking if I wait long enough, look long enough, am deliberate long enough, I WILL find the one person left on the planet who may actually like me for me. The one person left on the planet who isn't in it for themselves, at least not 100%.  A true friend.

In the meantime, I do have true friends I love so much and they love me back unconditionally---my dogs.

Monday, December 15, 2014

All My Friends Are Crazy

I love my friends. I hate my friends. My friends are all bundles of psychological disorders, the penalty for living this long.

Too many Sex and the City reruns. Show should be banned.

The result was I had this idea all my girlfriends and I would spend Christmas together, go out to dinner, go for a hike, drink champagne by the ocean, act self-righteous and judgmental about everyone else we know and don't know. Feel fabulous.

Where are the days when you would ask someone if they want to do something
and they would reply, "ok, sounds like FUN!!"

Where in the fuck are those days?

Again, take Sex and the City off the air. Burn your video collection.

Let's parse this out:

Three replied and I am not allowed to use anyone's real name and they all hate me because of this blog anyway which is stupid since I do not use their real names.

Let's just say their names are Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha. Yea, yea, so this makes me Carrie.  Let's compare and contrast:

S&theCity response:  "Sure, we would LOVE to go to the coast for Christmas, go hiking, and go out to dinner! Sounds fun!"


MyLife's "Miranda":  "Sure, I guess. I mean, it sounds kind of fun but, I don't know. Let me see how I'm feeling that day."

MyLife:  "That day? You mean Christmas Eve Day?"

MyLife's Miranda: "Yea, no. I mean, I don't know. I might want to spend Christmas like that but, I don't know. I'm kind of feeling depressed. Maybe. Can I let you know?"

MyLife: "It's just a few days away. I need to make dinner reservations for Christmas Eve. How long do you want me to wait?"

MyLife'sMiranda: "Don't wait. Go without me. I mean, I may go."

MyLife: "The whole point is I don't really have a lot of family left and I really don't want to be alone; I mean, I get depressed too? I also need to make reservations?"

MyLife'sMiranda:  "If I don't go, you feel free to go without me. This is all I'm saying."


MyLife's "Samantha":  "I'l get back to you."

MyLife's Charlotte:  "Yes but do you know if it's going to be cold or rainy? What's the weather going to be? I may not want to go if it's rainy. Also, do you know, like where we will eat because I am trying to be gluten-free? Do they serve gluten-free? I also think I have an allergy to peanuts but I can't see the doctor for awhile. Are you going to bring your dogs because I like your dogs but....etc., etc."

Christmas Eve night: S&theCity:  the four women walk arm and arm as the snow lightly lands on their delicate yet feminine eye-lashes. They are all dressed more than appropriately if not colorfully. They are slightly buzzed from drinking champagne over Christmas Eve dinner overlooking Central Park. They exchanged gifts, small, thoughtful little things, and now tuck one another into one another, one love-filled unit, moving, no gliding, through the perfect winter night, dear friends,
fabulous women.


MyLife's CEve:

"And how many are dining tonite ma'am? You probably should have made a


"One? On Christmas Eve night?"

"You heard me (asshole)."

"Oh, well for ONE, we have plenty of room. Do you mind sitting in the bar?"

                                                              Merry Christmas.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Categories of Men--HOLDING--Another New One--Are You My Mother?

Ok, so I had to recover from my friend's disconcerting 'encounter' (dare I put it this way...near encounter?) with, well, read about it but it freaked me out and frankly, depressed me. Maybe every generation gets to that "when I was YOUR age" stage of life but the idea that a young man would expose himself to my middle aged friend (and she didn't do anything about it, like call the police) and this might be the new "normal" among the millennial or whatever generation the 20-somethings are, well, it only validates my feeling that the world is going to shit. It also validates that kids these days apparently had/have no parents and are one notch above being something akin to wild dogs. We are in decline and it's hard to watch. If I can find a rock to crawl under, believe me, I will.

BUT, in the meantime, I have a little something to report that diverted me from being depressed then made me depressed again--two men entered my life about a month ago--or tried. One of them was a past attempt and the other was a new contact from a dating site I have not looked at for awhile--the email  came out of the blue. Here is the report:

Guy 1 who I called "Cryptic Man" years ago got in touch with me after many years, like five.
There was always something off about this guy and he was still off. After two attempted dates, I figured out he was a borderline personality--as in maybe more than one or two of them. After personality "Mean" demonstrated stunning levels of vitriol based entirely on his own perceptions and trip about me, I bailed out as quickly as I could all the while advising him to see a shrink. What sucked me back in and probably sucks all of us back in was the "potential" he/we had...if only...
You have to let that go. Men don't suddenly de-asshole themselves without counseling and intervention. Once an asshole to you, always an asshole to you. Get a clue. Move on.

The second experience was so stereotypical, I almost could not believe it. Man, 54, river runner his whole adult life. While this is interesting, the red flag went shooting up the damn pole when he
told me he was pursuing a degree in mechanical engineering 30 years before but left the degree program to be a river guide and he was still guiding... He was still an adolescent in other words and this continued to bear itself out. First of all, every time we tried to make plans to get together, he would always send me an email that he would not be available because he had this river trip and that river trip and then he was going to a concert...this man is a child. It was sealed when he
emailed me a link to campfire songs he recorded of himself singing songs like "Puff the Magic Dragon" and "The Circle Game"...his singing and playing was terrible. I thought it was a joke; then he emailed me links for Flicker of photos of himself. He did not show a lot of interest in me except some clawing need to get some kind of acknowledgement/approval out of me.

Thus, I have a new category of man:  the man who has, how do they put it, unresolved "mommy" issues and until he resolves these issues transforms every women he gets involved with into his mother from whom he is constantly striving for approval. "Lookie' at me Mommy playing my guitar and singing songs!" "Lookie' Mommy at all the photos of me doing things!" "Mommy? Mommy? Tell me that you love me Mommy!"

It was nauseating. He's nixed.

In the meantime, I am getting a new dog from the pound and looking forward to true love, understanding, and companionship.

Depressed because you can't find a decent man? Give it up and go to your nearest shelter and adopt an animal that will love you in a way no man ever could--unconditionally and with gratitude. There are hundreds, thousands of them waiting...If you're holding back your love for the right guy, screw that!! (Or not). Go save a life--your own.

Love ya,


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Hey Baby, Isn't This What You Middle-aged Ladies Want?

This post is going to be so hard to write yet I write a blog about being a middle aged (white) woman and what happened to my friend is so appalling yet so fitting that I have to post this. I have to.

Here it is. Try to stay with me.

My 50's something friend who has been mentioned in past blogs and this is all you need to know since she is paranoid even when I use a fake name, was visiting her younger sister in another state and to make a long story short or a long story longer, ended up alone in her sister's house with one of her nephew's friends--I am not sure why--she said he was about 25 (her nephew is 23) when "nephew's friend" emerged out of a bedroom, I guess her nephew's bedroom where he was hanging out, literally, and proceeded to hang out in front of her, as in offering her "some"... He walked out of the bedroom sans pants with Mr. Happy all good to go. She was, of course, horrified and appalled and asked him to return to the bedroom and put some pants on. His reply was "but isn't this what you middle-aged ladies want?"



"Nephew's friend" is engaged.

I am rarely rendered speechless or wordless in this case, but,

My friend, who now needs some kind of fake name to keep you from getting thoroughly confused so I will call her Fannie (bad choice, sorry)...Fannie has not told anyone about this because she is so flummoxed by the whole damn thing.  Nephew's friend did indeed retreat into her nephew's den to put on his pants but by the time he did, Fannie had left the house not sure where to go in her rental car she rented for the week at her sister's house. After some disoriented driving around, she got a room in a local hotel.  She did not go back to her sister's house but met her sister and her nephew
wherever they wanted to go. Her explanation was that she thought it better for THEM if she stayed in a hotel. All went fine. She flew home here and told me what happened and I am still wondering just what in the hell? What in THE HELL?

Is this the Millineal Generation acting this way? Are they using creeps like Anthony Wiener, well, Anthony Wiener's wiener as a role model?  Is this normal behavior in their world, to assault a polite and nice middle-aged woman in this way? Should we be worried about this generation (too late) and not for them, as they appear to be sufficiently narcissistic that they will be just fine--but for us

She still has not told her sister...anyone in her family...and thinks it best to keep it quiet though she has told her nephew she did not like his friend, not at all, and he should get a new one, especially before her next visit.

I have absolutely nothing to say.  Nothing.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Tammy is Seeking Amends--from her i-Phone

Howdy all,

We are heading into summer and I am ready. Hope the summer is looking nifty for you too.

I checked my stats for this blog and was blabberfasted' to find out, like, 3,000+ people have read my blog. Lord have mercy. I am tempted to tell you all to get outside and go for a it is with honor I face what appears to be a few fans?  Wow. Thank you.

In a previous post, I outlined my married female friends, or not. I don't know what the hell they are. They don't know what the hell I am so we're even; but I did get a rather weird email from my friend Tammy.

Tammy is the middle-aged housewife that is/was addicted to everything under the sun. Prescription drugs, maybe a few prescription drugs, did I mention prescription drugs? After trying to go out together to do things--out to eat, walking our dogs, cooking dinner together, I had to end it when she showed up at a movie stoned out of her mind including some wailing right before the movie started--something like "Dennis (her husband and none of these names are real to protect their identities and my sanity)...where was I. Oh yes, 

"Dennis is going to killlllll meeeeee!" 

We were seated in the front row (only seats left). She stood up and wailed this in front of everyone in the theater. I had no idea what in the hell was going on only that she was babbling and looked like hell. 

People snickered.

"Tammy, what in the hell are you talking about? Are you alright?" 
"Oh God. Oh my God."
"What?" I asked, now getting frantic. My God. She was having a stroke.
"You're having a stroke, Tammy. Please. Sit down. Let me call Dennis, someone."
"Noooooo, Dennis is...I gotta go."
"I'm not...I gotta go."

And with this she stumbled out of the theater. I followed her outside to her car and
after imploring she not get in it, she flung her hand around like she was going to smack me.

(The movie, by the way was Osage County in which Meryl Streep plays a, hmmm,  drug/alcohol-adled woman living alone in a big empty house. I stayed and watched it).  

Tammy made it home fine because the next day, I got an email from her that when she got home, she tripped and hurt her ankle. Could someone take her to the doctor? Then an email a few minutes later reported  "it was covered." By who, I have no idea.

Calling only produced the answering machine and I have a life. I had to get to it.

Two days after this, I got an email from her that she put her dear little dog, Milo, down. She loved this dog like life itself. The dog was old. It may have been time but it seemed sudden. I was shocked. Knowing she would be torn up as hell, I went and bought some flowers that reminded me of  Milo, little white campion flowers, with the idea I would plant them for her in her front yard. I put them in my yard in the meantime.

The next day, she called me, her speech slurred, begging me to come and get a dog she was taking care of. Yes, this woman pet sits and when her client found out she put Milo down, they brought their little dog over to keep her company.

"They can't see me like this."
"Like what?"
"I don't feel good."

Yes, I am a little slow on the uptake but who would think a 63 year old white woman living in rural suburbia would be addicted to drugs. 

Now I realized she was drunk or stoned, something. Being the daughter of an alcoholic, I know all about enabling.

"Are you drunk? On drugs?"

"They can't see me like this."

 "And neither can I."

I then emailed her links to AA and Narcotics Anonymous.

This was the last time we talked. This was three months ago.

Last week, I got an email from her, of course off her iPhone because she is addicted to texting (surprise, surprise) and it said, "step 9 is making amends. I am writing to make amends. I fell off the wagon of sobriety and I want to apologize to you. I know you have other things going on in your life but if you can forgive me, I would appreciate it."

From her iPhone.  Do we make amends now from our iPhones?

She was always sending me emails from her iPhone. When we would go out to dinner, she would rather be looking at her iPhone than at me. Once I remember I took it from her and put it in my purse. "I can keep in touch with the kids this way," she always said except her kids are in their 30's.

The woman has an addictive personality.  The woman lives alone in a big house. The woman has a husband who has given up on her apparently. (While I used to have disdain for Dennis, I understand). The woman is a sad person. The woman is my neighbor. Is the woman my friend?

I have not responded to her email...or on her end, one of the many texts she punches out every minute. Does she really want to make amends or does she just miss the attention I gave her in her lonely life? She loves the attention.

Some people are empowered. I am one of them. I take charge of my life. I let things and people out of it, and I let things and people in it but I am in charge of it (keeping in mind we live in a random universe).  I'm not really a net caster. I don't cast nets to see what I catch because I am empty inside. Sure, I seek out company sometimes, but not with any expectation because people will let you down.

They WILL let you down. (Am I letting her down?)

So, Tammy...poor Tammy. Tammy who goes around, casting nets all over the place.

"You didn't know she was a drug addict?"  A neighbor on her street asks me, incredulous.

"No, not at first."

"And now Milo is gone."

While the flowers that reminded me of Milo still sit in my yard.

Friday, February 21, 2014

For the Love of Screens: Compassion Deficit Disorder or It's Not You...or Is It?

We are living in extremely strange times. These are times when being a white collar criminal is finally paying off ('cause no one cares anymore), there is no accountability when grown white men blow away black teenagers, when my neighbor who I see every day rushes back into her house to EMAIL me regarding how I am...the option of just talking to me I guess is no longer there.

It is a time of corporate cyber fascism-when brilliant narcissists like Mark Zuckerberg and the "inventor"of Twitter have brain-washed millions into thinking they now have to PAY to communicate with other people. I don't have a Facebook page, I don't "tweet", I don't text. I never will. I email and, gasp, make phone calls. I go over to people's houses to, I know, TALK to them directly but hey, it's still free. (FYI, you don't have to pay for a "data-plan" to talk to people, not yet). I am, it appears, in the minority now. (But when have I ever been a sheep?).

People are not building RELATIONSHIPS with one another anymore. Now we are just using one another. It is a cold time. It is a time of what I call narcissistic communication meaning if people cannot get something from/out of you that benefits them, they ignore you and your attempts to reach out.

For example, the email I got from my (now definitely former) friends asking me if they could stay in my guest room on the way through my town. I had not heard from them for months. Emails I sent to them, chatty happy things, went completely ignored. I was excited to hear from them but stopped myself from sending another happy chatty response informing them that sure, they can stay in my guest room. Instead I sent them an email explaining that I had not heard from them for months, they did not seem to think it was all that important to respond to my friendly chatty emails, they had not called to check in and in fact, I could be dead in my house for weeks and they would not know/care, and owing that it appeared they were more interested in a free place to stay, this time I said no. Not only that, I declared them  NOT "friends" of mine but the narcissistic people they are (of course baby boomers; self-absorption, materialism, and narcissism marks this pathetic generation that gave us the Hummer and George Bush Jr).  Of course, after I sent them this email, I heard nothing back. They could have responded thus:

"We have been so busy and are so sorry we have not stayed in touch. Forgive us. We really do want to hear how you're doing."

or how bout this?

"We are sorry. You are right. We have been self-absorbed lately but let us buy you dinner and let's catch-up."

Responses like this would indicate some recognizance beyond themselves, a sense of grace--that precious rare sense of grace.

But of course, I heard absolutely nothing back. This would require something called fortitude and they have never really had any...

There are the people that email you to play tennis, or meet for dinner, or go to a movie, or....and you reply back then hear absolutely fucking nothing. This is how it is going these days.

I call it "Screen-Induced Compassion Deficit Disorder" (SICDD). Then there is just good old fashioned CDD that does not require a screen to implement. Another name for it is:  "I Really Don't Care About You But I'll Use You If You're Handy Kind of Like a Dish Towel" (IRDCAYBIUYLADT). 

Why? Allow me to posit...


Is it easier to blow people off over a screen? Send out that email that you want something from them then decide that just sending out that email was enough? You left them hanging but fuck it, you are on to something else? A kind of passive aggressive computer communication game? ("I just emailed you about going to dinner and now am going to pretend I never even sent it. HA HA HA"!). Is it that now we can only build relationships with screens? 

I have three in my life--my t.v. with basic cable (which makes me cringe every time I turn it on; I may cancel it), a cell phone (w/ no "data plan"), and this laptop.

My neighbor who goes rushing by my FACE, my BODY, to get to a SCREEN where she emails find out how I am doing? She just fucking passed me! I'm sorry folks but this is a kind of insanity, pathology.

Do we like screens better than faces now? We seem to love looking at faces ON screens...Are we afraid of real faces now? Are real faces just too demanding? I mean, you have to drive to a real face...make the time, energy...then there are all the expressions a real face makes, some good, some bad. Who wants to put up with THIS?

I believe it is the orgasmic desire of Mark Zuckerberg and his ilk to have a world like what is on the t.v. commercials--where there is a large group of people sitting outside in the sun and all of them are looking at screens. NONE of them are paying attention to one another. NONE of them are communicating directly with one another. Let's take this a step further and say that someone falls and hits their head on the pavement. Say it is an old lady. What happens in Zuckerberg's or Silicon Valley's narcissistic world? Do any of the people look up from their screens as the little old lady cries out in pain?  Does anyone run to her? Or does someone snap a photo of her writhing in pain to post on Facebook or U-tube?  Does anyone HELP her? Does anyone care? Does Zuckerberg/Apple execs have orgasms when they see scenes where people are staring at screens and not at the world around them? Why? In Zberg's case, maybe it's because he has obvious psychological problems, problems with social skills so he is trying to turn the entire world into something like him? (Since he is a narcissist of the highest order, this makes sense).

I believe the obsession with (mostly portable small "Smart phone") screens is a pathological disease in our society fostered by capitalism in overdrive. 

So let's just call this one a  done deal--people now want to communicate/be with their screens, not other people even if communicating with screens costs them money and communication with people is free (or requires no "data plan"). This is a kind of cyber- fascism picked up by not only corporations but by "National (so-called) Public Radio" which is obsessed with screens and communication through screens. (They absolutely love talking about "tweeting" even as it undermines their own jobs).

So if people want to be with their screens, does this affect communication between humans?   I say yes on this one.


Is another reason for the CDD the horrible economy for normal people? We are all just trying to survive so do not have the energy to reach out and touch someone?
Obviously most of our Congress and the President is also suffering from CDD or they would not have cut off people's unemployment insurance right before Christmas. I don't need to say that the super wealthy suffer from CDD and could care less about distributing more of it to the lower ranks. We get it. Again, this is a great time to be a cold-hearted narcissist. FAR GREATER rewards to be this way right now than the alternative. 


I believe hopelessness shadows us as yet another reason for narcissistic communication per our society letting crooks off the hook over and over and over again. Some of us even try to change things but if we feel there is no justice, we lose hope. When I say crooks, I mean the ones that helped destroy the middle class (the banksters we bailed out in the "recession", none of which have been held accountable for their greed; in fact, they were rewarded for it)  to George Zimmerman who performed the opening ceremonies for the apparently now legal practice of gunning down black teenagers, including a black woman who knocked on a door just to get some help with her car. She was met with the end of shotgun. The point is, criminals, large and small, are getting away with murder, figuratively and literally, we apparently have no power, so why give a shit?

The fall of Rome was marked by the end of compassion...every man for himself...

So all I ask is if someone that cares about you as a human being, not a screen, reached out to you this week and you blew them off, first evaluate why, then get back with them. If you can't be somewhere, goddamn it, tell them. If you don't have what they want, tell them. You also always have the option to say something kind, ask them how they are and mean it. I know it's crazy but maybe ask them to their FACE (and it's still free!).

I believe the future of our (current highly dysfunctional) civilization depends on it.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Can Happily Single Women Be Friends With Married Women in Unhappy Marriages? NO

Hi Everyone,

It's been a few months. Hope all you incredible women are doing well.

If I don't post, it's because I have nothing to say or I am ruminating...

Ruminating is done on THIS one because part of what has risen to the top here is
frustration and perhaps my weakness in accepting people for who they are and YES, I hold women to higher standards then I do men. (Should be obvious if you read my posts; we all have to make sacrifices for men...).

I am at a point in my life right now where most of my girlfriends are married and not one of them is in a loving, fully functional marriage. As a strong, independent single woman, I cannot TELL you how hard this is. Here they are (with false names to protect the innocent):

Janet:  Married 14 years; third marriage; husband disappears for days at a time. She has no idea where he is. He checks in only sometimes. Basically, they are more like roomates.  She gets drunk just about every night when she gets home from work. Kids have flown the coop.

Tammy:  Married 33 years. Only marriage. Husband disappears for days at a time. She has SOME idea where he is but tells me she really does not care. He checks in sporadically. Comes home every few weeks. They play "married couple" for a week until she wants to kill him then he leaves again. She has a nicer life without him. Big house. She has no job. She is completely dependent on him for her life. Kids have flown the coop.

Shelly:  Married 37 years. Husband and her do not get along. He is home all the time, retired, and dawdles around the house while she is out and about.  They don't do much together. Fight a lot. She is also completely dependent on him for her survival. Big empty house. Kids have left.

Monique:  Married 42 years. Husband has mistresses. She knows it. She does not care and likes it when he is away.  Unlike the others, she runs a very successful small business. She does not need her husband. Why then does she...?

First of all, aside from Monique, I don't know whether to consider my unhappily married women friends, friends. They only call me when their husbands are gone or when things aren't going well. I can tell when their husbands show up because they drop me like a hot potato. Ignore my calls and emails. It hurts my feelings because I get all chatty and girlfriendy with them, thinking I have a "real" girlfriend but what I am to them in reality is just a diversion from the work, the courage, they need to summon up...I am single in need of a support system so I consider this kind of cruel. Then again, they may not realize they are using other people as diversions...

Nonetheless, they are not true friends. It is only a convenience when they call me and I answer the phone. Not much else.

Are unhappily married women jealous of happily single women? Are they afraid we are going to take their man? (Then again, a few might be ok with this, if not ecstatic). DEFINITELY but this is another post.

This can also be considered a bad combination--a woman like me (us), strong who knows her own mind, runs her own business/has a good job/career, does not put up with B.S., knows what she wants, does not operate by denial + THE OPPOSITE is a combination destined to fail because women like me (us) refuse to enable women LIKE THEM.  Their worlds are fragile so the deal is I am supposed to ignore their situation. Make light of the fact that they are prisoners of their own lives. PRETEND, it's just fine and yes, they complain--ALL OF THEM.

Instead, I say things like "why do you stay in that situation?" "Why don't you get a divorce?" "Why don't you sell your house and get a divorce, split the proceeds from the house and have some money to start over on?" "Why doesn't his sleeping with other women bother you? Oh? You haven't had sex for ten years and you never will again? Sounds lovely."

How sad to live like this!!  Who was it that said--DO THE HARDEST THING? When it comes to changing your life? DO THE HARDEST THING. It will be liberating! Imagine that day!

The point is, it is none of my damn business how they want to live their lives but I take friendship very seriously. Single women and men need friends and I think, by virtue of being single we are more honest with ourselves and with others and it is WONDERFUL! We are probably far more psychologically healthy than we are given credit for. I want the best for my girlfriends and the best is NOT getting drunk every night to escape your life.

"Some people are not ready" I have been told in the past. "Some people are not where YOU are."  "Some people take a lot of time to face the truth about their lives and change" but I am in my 50's now and my job is NOT to enable unhealthy situations so I refuse to do so. I want healthy friendships with healthy single people and/or happily married people and by damn, I will keep on the look-out because one thing about being a single middle-aged woman is we don't do bullshit (and pity the person, man or woman, that expects us to!).

What to do?  I cannot make them change their lives but I CAN stick up for myself.
Today I told Tammy that I always know when Jeff comes home because she stops all contact with me and it hurts my feelings. She responded that she did not realize she was doing this, she cares about me and our friendship, and she will pay closer attention...

So in answer to the opening question, I still say no, but we'll see.