Hi Everyone,
It's been a few months. Hope all you incredible women are doing well.
If I don't post, it's because I have nothing to say or I am ruminating...
Ruminating is done on THIS one because part of what has risen to the top here is
frustration and perhaps my weakness in accepting people for who they are and YES, I hold women to higher standards then I do men. (Should be obvious if you read my posts; we all have to make sacrifices for men...).
I am at a point in my life right now where most of my girlfriends are married and not one of them is in a loving, fully functional marriage. As a strong, independent single woman, I cannot TELL you how hard this is. Here they are (with false names to protect the innocent):
Janet: Married 14 years; third marriage; husband disappears for days at a time. She has no idea where he is. He checks in only sometimes. Basically, they are more like roomates. She gets drunk just about every night when she gets home from work. Kids have flown the coop.
Tammy: Married 33 years. Only marriage. Husband disappears for days at a time. She has SOME idea where he is but tells me she really does not care. He checks in sporadically. Comes home every few weeks. They play "married couple" for a week until she wants to kill him then he leaves again. She has a nicer life without him. Big house. She has no job. She is completely dependent on him for her life. Kids have flown the coop.
Shelly: Married 37 years. Husband and her do not get along. He is home all the time, retired, and dawdles around the house while she is out and about. They don't do much together. Fight a lot. She is also completely dependent on him for her survival. Big empty house. Kids have left.
Monique: Married 42 years. Husband has mistresses. She knows it. She does not care and likes it when he is away. Unlike the others, she runs a very successful small business. She does not need her husband. Why then does she...?
First of all, aside from Monique, I don't know whether to consider my unhappily married women friends, friends. They only call me when their husbands are gone or when things aren't going well. I can tell when their husbands show up because they drop me like a hot potato. Ignore my calls and emails. It hurts my feelings because I get all chatty and girlfriendy with them, thinking I have a "real" girlfriend but what I am to them in reality is just a diversion from the work, the courage, they need to summon up...I am single in need of a support system so I consider this kind of cruel. Then again, they may not realize they are using other people as diversions...
Nonetheless, they are not true friends. It is only a convenience when they call me and I answer the phone. Not much else.
Are unhappily married women jealous of happily single women? Are they afraid we are going to take their man? (Then again, a few might be ok with this, if not ecstatic). DEFINITELY but this is another post.
This can also be considered a bad combination--a woman like me (us), strong who knows her own mind, runs her own business/has a good job/career, does not put up with B.S., knows what she wants, does not operate by denial + THE OPPOSITE is a combination destined to fail because women like me (us) refuse to enable women LIKE THEM. Their worlds are fragile so the deal is I am supposed to ignore their situation. Make light of the fact that they are prisoners of their own lives. PRETEND, it's just fine and yes, they complain--ALL OF THEM.
I CAN'T DO IT!
Instead, I say things like "why do you stay in that situation?" "Why don't you get a divorce?" "Why don't you sell your house and get a divorce, split the proceeds from the house and have some money to start over on?" "Why doesn't his sleeping with other women bother you? Oh? You haven't had sex for ten years and you never will again? Sounds lovely."
How sad to live like this!! Who was it that said--DO THE HARDEST THING? When it comes to changing your life? DO THE HARDEST THING. It will be liberating! Imagine that day!
The point is, it is none of my damn business how they want to live their lives but I take friendship very seriously. Single women and men need friends and I think, by virtue of being single we are more honest with ourselves and with others and it is WONDERFUL! We are probably far more psychologically healthy than we are given credit for. I want the best for my girlfriends and the best is NOT getting drunk every night to escape your life.
"Some people are not ready" I have been told in the past. "Some people are not where YOU are." "Some people take a lot of time to face the truth about their lives and change" but I am in my 50's now and my job is NOT to enable unhealthy situations so I refuse to do so. I want healthy friendships with healthy single people and/or happily married people and by damn, I will keep on the look-out because one thing about being a single middle-aged woman is we don't do bullshit (and pity the person, man or woman, that expects us to!).
What to do? I cannot make them change their lives but I CAN stick up for myself.
Today I told Tammy that I always know when Jeff comes home because she stops all contact with me and it hurts my feelings. She responded that she did not realize she was doing this, she cares about me and our friendship, and she will pay closer attention...
So in answer to the opening question, I still say no, but we'll see.
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