Is it Me?

I ran into a friend recently who looked "different" but I could not figure out how or why. She just looked different--she had lost weight, her hair style had changed but beyond this was a calmness about her I had not seen before. A few weeks before, her husband, who she described as an abusive narcissist and quite accurately from what I knew of him, admitted to her he was having an affair.

"I knew it," I said to her.

"What do you mean you knew it?" she replied back.

"I mean, I knew it intuitively. In other words, I am not surprised. I never liked him. I only wish I could have told you."

Even though they were now fighting through a nasty divorce, my friend had already shed the stress of being with this man from her BODY. The stress I saw in her when she was with him that she kept in her face and body was GONE. I believe this kind of thing can also make you very sick, as in lead to cancer. While she was angry and hurt, she had never looked better. 

There are so many topics in this but I will try to narrow it down to two: Topic 1 is if your girlfriend is involved with a schmuck, should you say something? Topic 2 is if you are still alone and you are afraid it is you, it is NOT (unless you are passed out on your couch, or someone else's, in your own barf and you do things like this on a regular basis then maybe it is you).

First Topic 1:

YES. You should say something. Once, I thought not but I have changed my opinion on this. Let me say too that I am a member of the Sisterhood. The Sisterhood is a pact between all women that no woman scams on another woman's man. It has been hard for me to stick to this pact, to be honest, because I have been in situations where my girlfriend's significant others have hit me up for a date on the side. A few of these men have been very desirable but what I tell them is they need to deal with their marriage FIRST, not look for a diversion. Also, you tell them you will not betray your girlfriend. Absolutely not.

I also will NOT date a separated man even if he and his wife have been separated for many years. No way.
If you run into the guy a few years later and he is divorced and available, then by all means, it's open season on this dude. Go for it. The rule in this case is DO NO HARM especially to your girlfriend. I don't care how desirable her man is, don't do it until they are legally split up and even then, out of respect for your girlfriend, maybe meet her for coffee and let her know (assuming you are still friends and care about one another).
 
It is tough but I have sent men back to their wives and in at least one case, they reconciled and are happier now. So first, if you are going to say something to your girlfriend that her husband is a rat, make clear to her it is not because you are trying to scam on him. Explain the Sisterhood pact. Also, do it out of compassion for your friend, not to hurt her, to score points, or otherwise be a bitch. Do it if you love her as a friend and tell her you are telling her because you love her.

Ex:  "Lois, you know I love you and I hate to tell you this but it is because I love you that I am telling you this. I saw your husband kissing another woman. I cannot lie, as you know, and not telling you felt like a lie.
The rest is up to you but I am here for you as a friend if you need me. I'm sorry."

Now on to Topic 2--IS IT ME?

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS THEM!!

I do not think I have ever seen middle-aged men so dysfunctional as I see them now. How do I know they are dysfunctional? Because I know so many terrific single middle-aged women!!! Something is wrong when I know ten+ terrific single women--all funny, smart, attractive, strong (uh oh), comfortable in their own skin, capable, and ALL STILL SINGLE meaning they do not even have a boyfriend.

What is the matter with men our age these days?

Men our age have all kinds of shit going on, namely, they are coming to grips with getting older and while I think this empowers women because we have outgrown bullshit, I think men are actually entering a bullshit phase in their lives, and yes, I mean the mid-life crisis but there is truth to this. While women are getting more focused on the outer world, men are getting more focused on themselves--their hair, their paunch, their bodies, their teeth, their horoscopes....they are entering a narcissistic phase while I think women are moving out of theirs. Ironically, their narcissistic phase drives away the very women they want to attract--terrific women like you!

I think it is nearly impossible to find a man our age (50's) who is not going through something...thereby making  him unavailable or undesirable to those of us who are just getting more wonderful every single day.
I believe middle aged men and women, particularly in their 50's are simply moving in opposite directions in their lives.

Who doesn't know the 54 year old guy with the 35 year old wife and now they have a kid? I personally think it is pathetic but again, men our age are in different places than we are and until they evolve or grow up or look around or find the balls to face a truly self-confident woman, they are going to act out their insecurities.
I have not met a real man in a long long time and I do wish men would get off their damn computers and walk up and start asking women out again! But wishing is not doing. 

SO NO. IT ISN'T YOU!!!!  Unfortunately, these are just the times we live in. You already know the alternatives--change your age preference to someone younger or older and this requires all kinds of concessions that take energy, both physical and mental.

Or be contented on your own. Buy your vibrators and sex toys. (They really are superior sometimes to what a man can do as well; really, though I realize we miss the physical contact).  Find an author whose books you love. Do music either as in listening to it or playing it. Get regular exercise. Go into nature with a book of poems or write your own.  Love your pets if you have them. Foster a support system of healthy people (i.e. people who have been in therapy or are in therapy are the healthiest people in my opinion because they are aware that they are always in process and they are striving to stay in touch with this spiritual transformation which it is and should be if it is effective therapy). Most importantly, do not settle for a man just to have one.
When a red light goes off in your head about a man, PAY ATTENTION TO IT. Kindly get up from the table and LEAVE. You are getting better and better with every day and so your standards should rise, not lower!

Enjoy the peaceful contentedness of this time in our lives and if he shows up, terrific. If he doesn't, then
realize my dear beautiful middle-aged woman friend, it is not you.

A New Category of Single Men

If you go to my older posts, you will see the categories I have been able to stick my dates into.

Well, based on a recent date, I now have yet another category. It is:

The Guy Who Never Went to College But Still Wishes He Did While You DID Go To College And He Seems to Resent You For it.

I will refine this at some point but let me tell you about my latest date. I met him online and of course, all the standard deceptions applied because things went swimmingly via email and talking to him on the phone. I think we both thought we were compatible but as I have said before, chemistry MUST COME FIRST!!

Still, I detected the tiniest bit of hope in myself. Shame on me. Fool me once, well, fool me again...
(how did George put it?).

He had all his teeth. He had his original hair. He was attractive. He was well dressed for the area. He also attempted to be a gentleman which I greatly appreciated. He owns a junkyard. Since I am someone who respects small businesses and understands the strong desire to stay out of office buildings and cubicles (and I also believe strongly in "reuse and recycle"), I had no problem with this. He had run the junk business for quite a few years and sounded reasonably professional and competent with it. Plus, he was making a lot of money. Never hurts.

We also seemed to hit it off in conversation and since I am a highly analytical intellectual woman (who loves talking politics--something the more popular online dating sites say women just do not like to do which is bunch of crap), again, I felt the small wings of hope alighting upon my skeptical brow.

Then it all went to shit.

He observed, as many people do, that I seem exceedingly intelligent and then proceeded to talk at length about how he always wanted to go to college and he tried but then for some reason, he just did not continue. There were all kinds of reasons why he did not continue--his mother, his income, his brother...I cannot even remember them all. All I remember is I did not bring up his lack of college education, HE DID. Then he would not shut up about it. "Ok," I said inside my head, "this guy is insecure about the fact that not only did I go to college, I have an advanced degree." (And I worked my ass off for it by the way).

It then got worse as he went from praising my intelligence to "testing me". Yes, he started testing me with questions regarding my I.Q., history, politics...and he was not doing it out of fun. He was doing it to "catch me" saying something wrong so he could feel better. And he would not stop. The more he tested me, the angrier he got. Finally, he pissed me off and despite a nice dinner and a pleasant walk afterwards, I looked at all the red flags waving in my brain and made it back to my car where I shook his hand and bid him adieu. By the end of the date, I could not get away from him fast enough.

I had met this type before, thus the new category. All I can say is if you meet a man who cannot get over that you went to college and he did not, do not waste your time.  It has nothing to do with you.  It has 100% to do with him and you will never be able to overcome this incredible insecurity FOR HIM. He will have to do it. So pack up your books and college degree and get the hell out of there.  You're educated, remember?