Hi Everyone,
It's been a few months. Hope all you incredible women are doing well.
If I don't post, it's because I have nothing to say or I am ruminating...
Ruminating is done on THIS one because part of what has risen to the top here is
frustration and perhaps my weakness in accepting people for who they are and YES, I hold women to higher standards then I do men. (Should be obvious if you read my posts; we all have to make sacrifices for men...).
I am at a point in my life right now where most of my girlfriends are married and not one of them is in a loving, fully functional marriage. As a strong, independent single woman, I cannot TELL you how hard this is. Here they are (with false names to protect the innocent):
Janet: Married 14 years; third marriage; husband disappears for days at a time. She has no idea where he is. He checks in only sometimes. Basically, they are more like roomates. She gets drunk just about every night when she gets home from work. Kids have flown the coop.
Tammy: Married 33 years. Only marriage. Husband disappears for days at a time. She has SOME idea where he is but tells me she really does not care. He checks in sporadically. Comes home every few weeks. They play "married couple" for a week until she wants to kill him then he leaves again. She has a nicer life without him. Big house. She has no job. She is completely dependent on him for her life. Kids have flown the coop.
Shelly: Married 37 years. Husband and her do not get along. He is home all the time, retired, and dawdles around the house while she is out and about. They don't do much together. Fight a lot. She is also completely dependent on him for her survival. Big empty house. Kids have left.
Monique: Married 42 years. Husband has mistresses. She knows it. She does not care and likes it when he is away. Unlike the others, she runs a very successful small business. She does not need her husband. Why then does she...?
First of all, aside from Monique, I don't know whether to consider my unhappily married women friends, friends. They only call me when their husbands are gone or when things aren't going well. I can tell when their husbands show up because they drop me like a hot potato. Ignore my calls and emails. It hurts my feelings because I get all chatty and girlfriendy with them, thinking I have a "real" girlfriend but what I am to them in reality is just a diversion from the work, the courage, they need to summon up...I am single in need of a support system so I consider this kind of cruel. Then again, they may not realize they are using other people as diversions...
Nonetheless, they are not true friends. It is only a convenience when they call me and I answer the phone. Not much else.
Are unhappily married women jealous of happily single women? Are they afraid we are going to take their man? (Then again, a few might be ok with this, if not ecstatic). DEFINITELY but this is another post.
This can also be considered a bad combination--a woman like me (us), strong who knows her own mind, runs her own business/has a good job/career, does not put up with B.S., knows what she wants, does not operate by denial + THE OPPOSITE is a combination destined to fail because women like me (us) refuse to enable women LIKE THEM. Their worlds are fragile so the deal is I am supposed to ignore their situation. Make light of the fact that they are prisoners of their own lives. PRETEND, it's just fine and yes, they complain--ALL OF THEM.
I CAN'T DO IT!
Instead, I say things like "why do you stay in that situation?" "Why don't you get a divorce?" "Why don't you sell your house and get a divorce, split the proceeds from the house and have some money to start over on?" "Why doesn't his sleeping with other women bother you? Oh? You haven't had sex for ten years and you never will again? Sounds lovely."
How sad to live like this!! Who was it that said--DO THE HARDEST THING? When it comes to changing your life? DO THE HARDEST THING. It will be liberating! Imagine that day!
The point is, it is none of my damn business how they want to live their lives but I take friendship very seriously. Single women and men need friends and I think, by virtue of being single we are more honest with ourselves and with others and it is WONDERFUL! We are probably far more psychologically healthy than we are given credit for. I want the best for my girlfriends and the best is NOT getting drunk every night to escape your life.
"Some people are not ready" I have been told in the past. "Some people are not where YOU are." "Some people take a lot of time to face the truth about their lives and change" but I am in my 50's now and my job is NOT to enable unhealthy situations so I refuse to do so. I want healthy friendships with healthy single people and/or happily married people and by damn, I will keep on the look-out because one thing about being a single middle-aged woman is we don't do bullshit (and pity the person, man or woman, that expects us to!).
What to do? I cannot make them change their lives but I CAN stick up for myself.
Today I told Tammy that I always know when Jeff comes home because she stops all contact with me and it hurts my feelings. She responded that she did not realize she was doing this, she cares about me and our friendship, and she will pay closer attention...
So in answer to the opening question, I still say no, but we'll see.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
New Category of Man
If you scroll down to my older posts, you can see how I have categorized the men I have met online dating and these categories are still pretty accurate. I left out a major major type however--the (usually Baby Boomer) Stoner Philosopher King.
I know. How in the hell could I leave this one off the list?
Do I need to explain? Who is this guy? You know and if pot is your deal (get it? ar ar), congratulations because this seems to be one of the most common types of men.
These are the guys that when you say it's me or your weed? They'll take their weed while they show you the door. (Maybe it's like us and our dogs. DO NOT and I mean DO NOT say anything negative about my dogs. You're GONE sucker).
AND YES, I too miss the days when pot was defined by a certain type of person--most likely an intellectual. Remember? Remember how we all used to get stoned then sit around and talk about Sartre? Democracy? Nature? Pablo F? When smoking pot was subversive, fun, and something special? Silly? When it did not have THC levels so high, you thought you might have taken acid instead?
Well, now everyone (it seems; not me anymore) smokes pot and NO it definitely does NOT lead to intellectual discussions anymore. AND the meth freaks have found it...it's like alcohol. It's becoming every wo/man's drug.
Enter the Baby Boom Aged Pot-Smoking Philosopher King:
1. He is or thinks he is intellectual.
2. He smokes weed every day, sometimes two or more times a day.
3. He is addicted to it however you want to define it but he needs it daily.
4. He feels he has lots of wisdom to impart to you especially when he is stoned (old-school stoner, somewhat admireable even if a throw-back to the past). This can come off as patronizing, condescending,
irritating. He may be like this stoned or not.
5. When you ask him to stop smoking weed, or smoke less, or blah blah, he ends it. Pot is more important to him than love or he is just in love with his pot.
I don't even date 'the daily stoner' type anymore. Why bother if it's going to eat away at you and forget changing the dude. He is NOT going to change or tell him if he does, to call you. Please, ladies, tell me, promise me you have given up on changing a man that is in his 50's or older esp. if he smokes weed and has for a long time. Good luck with that!
Next blog--"I'm older now, may not be as attractive, but I don't want to be alone. Should I just
compromise what I am looking for?"
I know. How in the hell could I leave this one off the list?
Do I need to explain? Who is this guy? You know and if pot is your deal (get it? ar ar), congratulations because this seems to be one of the most common types of men.
These are the guys that when you say it's me or your weed? They'll take their weed while they show you the door. (Maybe it's like us and our dogs. DO NOT and I mean DO NOT say anything negative about my dogs. You're GONE sucker).
AND YES, I too miss the days when pot was defined by a certain type of person--most likely an intellectual. Remember? Remember how we all used to get stoned then sit around and talk about Sartre? Democracy? Nature? Pablo F? When smoking pot was subversive, fun, and something special? Silly? When it did not have THC levels so high, you thought you might have taken acid instead?
Well, now everyone (it seems; not me anymore) smokes pot and NO it definitely does NOT lead to intellectual discussions anymore. AND the meth freaks have found it...it's like alcohol. It's becoming every wo/man's drug.
Enter the Baby Boom Aged Pot-Smoking Philosopher King:
1. He is or thinks he is intellectual.
2. He smokes weed every day, sometimes two or more times a day.
3. He is addicted to it however you want to define it but he needs it daily.
4. He feels he has lots of wisdom to impart to you especially when he is stoned (old-school stoner, somewhat admireable even if a throw-back to the past). This can come off as patronizing, condescending,
irritating. He may be like this stoned or not.
5. When you ask him to stop smoking weed, or smoke less, or blah blah, he ends it. Pot is more important to him than love or he is just in love with his pot.
I don't even date 'the daily stoner' type anymore. Why bother if it's going to eat away at you and forget changing the dude. He is NOT going to change or tell him if he does, to call you. Please, ladies, tell me, promise me you have given up on changing a man that is in his 50's or older esp. if he smokes weed and has for a long time. Good luck with that!
Next blog--"I'm older now, may not be as attractive, but I don't want to be alone. Should I just
compromise what I am looking for?"
Saturday, May 11, 2013
On-line Dating--Watch Out for the Guys With Issues!!
That's an understatement.
My girlfriend told me about a guy she was emailing through one of the dating sites and then, as I hear way too often, he turned on her--and revealed his asshole self, all done anonymously.
My next topic is men are cowards, many of them, and nothing can be colder than making someone feel like they can open up to you then slamming them. This is what happened to Denise. She told me she was corresponding with a guy and he started out nice then ended up psycho. The more of herself she revealed, the more he seemed to draw her out then his last email to her was very cruel.
I believe on-line dating provides an outlet for mean, hateful, misogynistic men to attack women and I believe they get off on this. They take advantage of a woman, as she opens up, then they plunge the proverbial
knife into the interaction by getting mean. This is all done anonymously which is why this kind of attack defines them as cowards.
I did tell Denise there is an up-side to all this. Wouldn't you want to know sooner rather than later that a guy is a jerk because, in a way, he is doing you a favor. And DON'T, FOR GOD'S SAKES, make yourself cream of wheat with ANYONE you meet on line!! You're an orange--tough outside and on guard. (I think someone is hungry or thinking about some breakfast). DO NOT, let me say this again, DO NOT open all the way up with a guy right away. I'm sorry but there is a very good chance he is jerk, so hold your emotional cards close to your chest. IF you go out, don't let down your guard until the third date...
TAKE YOUR TIME. Based on my experience over the years, I believe most of them are jerks. You are looking for the diamond in the rough so go slow, carefully, mindfully...respect yourself first of all.You're not desperate. You're terrific so be picky. You are also fine on your own.
The other topic Denise talked about was how hard it is sometimes for her to meet up with some of these guys. I have had this happen to me too--in fact more often than not. The little game. They want to meet with you but then something comes up at the last minute. Can they reschedule?
Here is the rule--you give them ONE rain ticket. You tell them to name the date and time for the next try--CLEARLY--and if they cannot or will not do this FORGET IT. They are f--ing with you and likely players, have a girlfriend, or are married.In other words, they are LIARS.
So here are your new rules Denise:
1. Don't get all emotionally attached to anyone you email or talk to that you met on-line. You need THREE DATES first before you make yourself vulnerable. Some sick guys get off on being mean anonymously on-line.
2. If you miss the first attempt to meet, ask HIM to tell you the date and time--be specific--and location--and if he says, "I'll call you or can I get back with you?" FORGET IT. He does not want to meet you---YOU. He is not being sincere. He is playing a game or is a narcissist.
Remember, you are fine on your own. You're TERRIFIC. Take your time. Find yourself a real good man.
You're worth it, my loves.
My girlfriend told me about a guy she was emailing through one of the dating sites and then, as I hear way too often, he turned on her--and revealed his asshole self, all done anonymously.
My next topic is men are cowards, many of them, and nothing can be colder than making someone feel like they can open up to you then slamming them. This is what happened to Denise. She told me she was corresponding with a guy and he started out nice then ended up psycho. The more of herself she revealed, the more he seemed to draw her out then his last email to her was very cruel.
I believe on-line dating provides an outlet for mean, hateful, misogynistic men to attack women and I believe they get off on this. They take advantage of a woman, as she opens up, then they plunge the proverbial
knife into the interaction by getting mean. This is all done anonymously which is why this kind of attack defines them as cowards.
I did tell Denise there is an up-side to all this. Wouldn't you want to know sooner rather than later that a guy is a jerk because, in a way, he is doing you a favor. And DON'T, FOR GOD'S SAKES, make yourself cream of wheat with ANYONE you meet on line!! You're an orange--tough outside and on guard. (I think someone is hungry or thinking about some breakfast). DO NOT, let me say this again, DO NOT open all the way up with a guy right away. I'm sorry but there is a very good chance he is jerk, so hold your emotional cards close to your chest. IF you go out, don't let down your guard until the third date...
TAKE YOUR TIME. Based on my experience over the years, I believe most of them are jerks. You are looking for the diamond in the rough so go slow, carefully, mindfully...respect yourself first of all.You're not desperate. You're terrific so be picky. You are also fine on your own.
The other topic Denise talked about was how hard it is sometimes for her to meet up with some of these guys. I have had this happen to me too--in fact more often than not. The little game. They want to meet with you but then something comes up at the last minute. Can they reschedule?
Here is the rule--you give them ONE rain ticket. You tell them to name the date and time for the next try--CLEARLY--and if they cannot or will not do this FORGET IT. They are f--ing with you and likely players, have a girlfriend, or are married.In other words, they are LIARS.
So here are your new rules Denise:
1. Don't get all emotionally attached to anyone you email or talk to that you met on-line. You need THREE DATES first before you make yourself vulnerable. Some sick guys get off on being mean anonymously on-line.
2. If you miss the first attempt to meet, ask HIM to tell you the date and time--be specific--and location--and if he says, "I'll call you or can I get back with you?" FORGET IT. He does not want to meet you---YOU. He is not being sincere. He is playing a game or is a narcissist.
Remember, you are fine on your own. You're TERRIFIC. Take your time. Find yourself a real good man.
You're worth it, my loves.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Are You Happy Being Middle-Aged and Alone and Just Can't Admit it to Yourself?
The real name of this post is "I Wish My Wife Would Let Me Watch That."
If you are new to this blog, I apologize because it started out as views of being
1. white in America
2. dating other white men in America
but race does not really matter to me in terms of who I date...except I still adhere to my hypothesis that there is something in the genetics of white people from European stock (WASPS) that makes us obsessive compulsive or compelled to be controlling. I bet if some researcher looked-up the stats of psychological disorders by race, white people would have the highest levels of obsessive-compulsive/control disorders. I then tie this into the history of the Western European white race (past 500 years) and colonialism. In other words, white people's history of taking over "inferior" races, of bulldozing land, of wiping out anything that gets in their way, love of guns and control, etc. Are we just assholes (more the white male I am talking about here) or predisposed to being assholes? If OCD/control issues are genetic in the white race, then this explains SOME of it and by no means provides an excuse but whenever I see some mostly fat white guy on his mower on his lawn, then standing with a backpack sprayer of chemicals on his lawn, then working over the shrubs with lopers and pruning shears on his lawn, I just cannot help but wonder-- WTF? Multiply this behavior by thousands...This fat white guy HAS to control even the plants on this lawn to the point that he dumps poison all over it...
And on this note is a recent dinner I attended for work made up entirely of white men of different ages. My profession is one dominated by white people and mostly white males. We were coming back from a day in the field and stopped for dinner. All of these men are married. I was, once again, the only one at the table that is not married and once again, out of place. Still, it always entertaining if not enlightening to observe my own species especially a bunch of white males.
The conversation was fascinating. Guns and hunting. The Bible. Then, television. I got cable television not too long ago when the cable company wore me down by talking me into "bundling"...I caved. I cannot believe it but I was actually able to talk television with these guys. I watch television now. I even came out of the closet about it with them. I kind of ended-up yelling it out--"Yea, I Watch Television Now. Can Ya' Believe it?"
None of them knew how to respond and stared at me. Once I got through this, we talked about our favorite shows and of course, I am a nerd so I love the Big Bang Theory. One of the guys at the table then said,
"I wish my wife would let me watch that." He is a "Christian". You see my point (yes I am finally getting to one).
TYPE OF MAN REFERENCE (see my reference guide to types of men I have dated in previous post): BABY MEN
My point is--damn I am so glad I am not married. What a bunch of SHIT! What is it with the couples I know who dictate behavior to their spouses? I cannot begin to list the number of ex-girlfriends I have had who "had to ask their husbands" if we could do something then their husbands, all of which hate my guts, say no. "Albert wants to go," says my friend B when they drive 8 hours to visit me but "King Albert" is "uncomfortable" (because they know I see through their shit) and "wants to leave." Ya know what? If my husband/boyfriend was "uncomfortable" around one of my dear girlfriends, I would tell him to get lost and find something else to do. Really? You're uncomfortable? Well, shove this up your ass (wine bottle) then see how "uncomfortable" you are, you big baby!! What is this?
I cannot stay friends with any of my girlfriends who have to answer to their weanie ass insecure baby men husbands. BUT, I never thought about it in the other direction--namely, men who are cow-towed by their women-- I never thought about this until the man at the table actually told us and the other men at the table that his wife will not "let" him watch certain television shows. It makes me shudder to think about it. Fascist Marriages.
I have been in four significant relationships in my life, the longest was five years and NOT once did I tell or even think to tell my partner what he could watch on television (but then again, we didn't have one), how to dress, where to go...(o.k. I did tell a couple of them where to go, right before we broke up) and yes, when "Eric" would go out with his female friend I had to acknowledge it made me feel weird but then again, they had known one another 20 years. Who in the hell was I to diss this kind of relationship? (And they never did anything anyway; she was married).
So after all this, I wonder if I even WANT to be in a relationship anymore. Could I stand anyone micromanaging my life even down to what I watch on television? Ugh. Never. I think I love being single but I still wonder what it is that makes me breakdown and post yet another profile on another online dating site. What is it? What is it that stands between me in reality (relatively happy) and that nagging voice that says to me, "you have to find someone and soon! You're getting old!" I have noticed a direct correlation between my contentedness and how long I have been single and they are positively correlated! Does the little nagging voice come from society? Television talk shows? Commercials? My friends? Is it none of these because it is coming from me? Is it something evolution-related? So I have someone to take care of me but then again, most men are lazy and the last thing they want to do is take care of you when you get old....you are supposed to take care of THEM when they get old, remember?
Ah yes, the little nagging voice that reminds me I am still single and "should find someone." Am I just afraid to let it go? Why am I afraid to strangle that little voice? I don't know. Yet.
If you are new to this blog, I apologize because it started out as views of being
1. white in America
2. dating other white men in America
but race does not really matter to me in terms of who I date...except I still adhere to my hypothesis that there is something in the genetics of white people from European stock (WASPS) that makes us obsessive compulsive or compelled to be controlling. I bet if some researcher looked-up the stats of psychological disorders by race, white people would have the highest levels of obsessive-compulsive/control disorders. I then tie this into the history of the Western European white race (past 500 years) and colonialism. In other words, white people's history of taking over "inferior" races, of bulldozing land, of wiping out anything that gets in their way, love of guns and control, etc. Are we just assholes (more the white male I am talking about here) or predisposed to being assholes? If OCD/control issues are genetic in the white race, then this explains SOME of it and by no means provides an excuse but whenever I see some mostly fat white guy on his mower on his lawn, then standing with a backpack sprayer of chemicals on his lawn, then working over the shrubs with lopers and pruning shears on his lawn, I just cannot help but wonder-- WTF? Multiply this behavior by thousands...This fat white guy HAS to control even the plants on this lawn to the point that he dumps poison all over it...
And on this note is a recent dinner I attended for work made up entirely of white men of different ages. My profession is one dominated by white people and mostly white males. We were coming back from a day in the field and stopped for dinner. All of these men are married. I was, once again, the only one at the table that is not married and once again, out of place. Still, it always entertaining if not enlightening to observe my own species especially a bunch of white males.
The conversation was fascinating. Guns and hunting. The Bible. Then, television. I got cable television not too long ago when the cable company wore me down by talking me into "bundling"...I caved. I cannot believe it but I was actually able to talk television with these guys. I watch television now. I even came out of the closet about it with them. I kind of ended-up yelling it out--"Yea, I Watch Television Now. Can Ya' Believe it?"
None of them knew how to respond and stared at me. Once I got through this, we talked about our favorite shows and of course, I am a nerd so I love the Big Bang Theory. One of the guys at the table then said,
"I wish my wife would let me watch that." He is a "Christian". You see my point (yes I am finally getting to one).
TYPE OF MAN REFERENCE (see my reference guide to types of men I have dated in previous post): BABY MEN
My point is--damn I am so glad I am not married. What a bunch of SHIT! What is it with the couples I know who dictate behavior to their spouses? I cannot begin to list the number of ex-girlfriends I have had who "had to ask their husbands" if we could do something then their husbands, all of which hate my guts, say no. "Albert wants to go," says my friend B when they drive 8 hours to visit me but "King Albert" is "uncomfortable" (because they know I see through their shit) and "wants to leave." Ya know what? If my husband/boyfriend was "uncomfortable" around one of my dear girlfriends, I would tell him to get lost and find something else to do. Really? You're uncomfortable? Well, shove this up your ass (wine bottle) then see how "uncomfortable" you are, you big baby!! What is this?
I cannot stay friends with any of my girlfriends who have to answer to their weanie ass insecure baby men husbands. BUT, I never thought about it in the other direction--namely, men who are cow-towed by their women-- I never thought about this until the man at the table actually told us and the other men at the table that his wife will not "let" him watch certain television shows. It makes me shudder to think about it. Fascist Marriages.
I have been in four significant relationships in my life, the longest was five years and NOT once did I tell or even think to tell my partner what he could watch on television (but then again, we didn't have one), how to dress, where to go...(o.k. I did tell a couple of them where to go, right before we broke up) and yes, when "Eric" would go out with his female friend I had to acknowledge it made me feel weird but then again, they had known one another 20 years. Who in the hell was I to diss this kind of relationship? (And they never did anything anyway; she was married).
So after all this, I wonder if I even WANT to be in a relationship anymore. Could I stand anyone micromanaging my life even down to what I watch on television? Ugh. Never. I think I love being single but I still wonder what it is that makes me breakdown and post yet another profile on another online dating site. What is it? What is it that stands between me in reality (relatively happy) and that nagging voice that says to me, "you have to find someone and soon! You're getting old!" I have noticed a direct correlation between my contentedness and how long I have been single and they are positively correlated! Does the little nagging voice come from society? Television talk shows? Commercials? My friends? Is it none of these because it is coming from me? Is it something evolution-related? So I have someone to take care of me but then again, most men are lazy and the last thing they want to do is take care of you when you get old....you are supposed to take care of THEM when they get old, remember?
Ah yes, the little nagging voice that reminds me I am still single and "should find someone." Am I just afraid to let it go? Why am I afraid to strangle that little voice? I don't know. Yet.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Revisionist Lives-Double Jeopardy
Dedicated to all the women who are in this situation...you will crawl out of it...but we know
how you feel...
Married 23 years, divorced, and middle aged. I call this state in life a kind of double jeopardy. So it goes.
In addition to being newly single, you are now heading into your "golden years" and I don't think any time since being a teenager can be more disconcerting, disquieting, and uncomfortable. What are we supposed to do now? Where is our place in the world now? Do we have one? It is only worse because I feel human relationships are in breakdown mode as compassion gives way to survival and no one wants to be bothered anymore with actually caring about anything, least of all, you. After all, you just got kicked in the...
Then there are your friends, if you even have any and if you even have any LEFT from your past. They are frittering away as well. Phone calls go un-returned. Letters are stamped "address unknown" even though you swear your friend from college still lives in Seattle. You make a feeble attempt to meet someone you don't particularly like for dinner and when they cancel at the last minute, you are secretly grateful because this means you can stay in bed with the dogs snuggled up against you (used to be a man), watch white-trash television, drink wine, and be perfectly contented. Then the fact that you are in bed at 8 p.m on a Friday night perfectly contented watching white-trash television bothers you...but then it doesn't. Fuck it you say as you turn to a Sex and the City rerun you have watched 32 times and the Cabernet isn't bad for $3.99. Shut up already. You have your health. Ok so you don't have health benefits (guess where THIS is?) and your husband--ex-husband--went parachuting with someone last weekend. Hope the bastard's parachute didn't open. "Oh you hit the ground just when it opened? You're paralyzed? I'm so sorry."
These are strange fucking times my friends. Bumper cars. We are like bumper cars, kind of slamming into one another with the perfunctory "sorry" but not really because we don't really give a shit anymore. We are treading water to do what? Die? Are we just killing time until we die?
Dating. Please. He'll have to knock your holey sock off or knock you out of your self-imposed lobotomy or knock on something because you don't really care anymore. It's all going to shit and it IS all going to shit. There are just too many of us now and we keep coming. We all know it's the end times. So enjoy that 3rd glass of wine and avoid Downton Abbey because they just killed off Matthew. Like I said, end times.
how you feel...
Married 23 years, divorced, and middle aged. I call this state in life a kind of double jeopardy. So it goes.
In addition to being newly single, you are now heading into your "golden years" and I don't think any time since being a teenager can be more disconcerting, disquieting, and uncomfortable. What are we supposed to do now? Where is our place in the world now? Do we have one? It is only worse because I feel human relationships are in breakdown mode as compassion gives way to survival and no one wants to be bothered anymore with actually caring about anything, least of all, you. After all, you just got kicked in the...
Then there are your friends, if you even have any and if you even have any LEFT from your past. They are frittering away as well. Phone calls go un-returned. Letters are stamped "address unknown" even though you swear your friend from college still lives in Seattle. You make a feeble attempt to meet someone you don't particularly like for dinner and when they cancel at the last minute, you are secretly grateful because this means you can stay in bed with the dogs snuggled up against you (used to be a man), watch white-trash television, drink wine, and be perfectly contented. Then the fact that you are in bed at 8 p.m on a Friday night perfectly contented watching white-trash television bothers you...but then it doesn't. Fuck it you say as you turn to a Sex and the City rerun you have watched 32 times and the Cabernet isn't bad for $3.99. Shut up already. You have your health. Ok so you don't have health benefits (guess where THIS is?) and your husband--ex-husband--went parachuting with someone last weekend. Hope the bastard's parachute didn't open. "Oh you hit the ground just when it opened? You're paralyzed? I'm so sorry."
These are strange fucking times my friends. Bumper cars. We are like bumper cars, kind of slamming into one another with the perfunctory "sorry" but not really because we don't really give a shit anymore. We are treading water to do what? Die? Are we just killing time until we die?
Dating. Please. He'll have to knock your holey sock off or knock you out of your self-imposed lobotomy or knock on something because you don't really care anymore. It's all going to shit and it IS all going to shit. There are just too many of us now and we keep coming. We all know it's the end times. So enjoy that 3rd glass of wine and avoid Downton Abbey because they just killed off Matthew. Like I said, end times.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Is it Me?
I ran into a friend recently who looked "different" but I could not figure out how or why. She just looked different--she had lost weight, her hair style had changed but beyond this was a calmness about her I had not seen before. A few weeks before, her husband, who she described as an abusive narcissist and quite accurately from what I knew of him, admitted to her he was having an affair.
"I knew it," I said to her.
"What do you mean you knew it?" she replied back.
"I mean, I knew it intuitively. In other words, I am not surprised. I never liked him. I only wish I could have told you."
Even though they were now fighting through a nasty divorce, my friend had already shed the stress of being with this man from her BODY. The stress I saw in her when she was with him that she kept in her face and body was GONE. I believe this kind of thing can also make you very sick, as in lead to cancer. While she was angry and hurt, she had never looked better.
There are so many topics in this but I will try to narrow it down to two: Topic 1 is if your girlfriend is involved with a schmuck, should you say something? Topic 2 is if you are still alone and you are afraid it is you, it is NOT (unless you are passed out on your couch, or someone else's, in your own barf and you do things like this on a regular basis then maybe it is you).
First Topic 1:
YES. You should say something. Once, I thought not but I have changed my opinion on this. Let me say too that I am a member of the Sisterhood. The Sisterhood is a pact between all women that no woman scams on another woman's man. It has been hard for me to stick to this pact, to be honest, because I have been in situations where my girlfriend's significant others have hit me up for a date on the side. A few of these men have been very desirable but what I tell them is they need to deal with their marriage FIRST, not look for a diversion. Also, you tell them you will not betray your girlfriend. Absolutely not.
I also will NOT date a separated man even if he and his wife have been separated for many years. No way.
If you run into the guy a few years later and he is divorced and available, then by all means, it's open season on this dude. Go for it. The rule in this case is DO NO HARM especially to your girlfriend. I don't care how desirable her man is, don't do it until they are legally split up and even then, out of respect for your girlfriend, maybe meet her for coffee and let her know (assuming you are still friends and care about one another).
It is tough but I have sent men back to their wives and in at least one case, they reconciled and are happier now. So first, if you are going to say something to your girlfriend that her husband is a rat, make clear to her it is not because you are trying to scam on him. Explain the Sisterhood pact. Also, do it out of compassion for your friend, not to hurt her, to score points, or otherwise be a bitch. Do it if you love her as a friend and tell her you are telling her because you love her.
Ex: "Lois, you know I love you and I hate to tell you this but it is because I love you that I am telling you this. I saw your husband kissing another woman. I cannot lie, as you know, and not telling you felt like a lie.
The rest is up to you but I am here for you as a friend if you need me. I'm sorry."
Now on to Topic 2--IS IT ME?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS THEM!!
I do not think I have ever seen middle-aged men so dysfunctional as I see them now. How do I know they are dysfunctional? Because I know so many terrific single middle-aged women!!! Something is wrong when I know ten+ terrific single women--all funny, smart, attractive, strong (uh oh), comfortable in their own skin, capable, and ALL STILL SINGLE meaning they do not even have a boyfriend.
What is the matter with men our age these days?
Men our age have all kinds of shit going on, namely, they are coming to grips with getting older and while I think this empowers women because we have outgrown bullshit, I think men are actually entering a bullshit phase in their lives, and yes, I mean the mid-life crisis but there is truth to this. While women are getting more focused on the outer world, men are getting more focused on themselves--their hair, their paunch, their bodies, their teeth, their horoscopes....they are entering a narcissistic phase while I think women are moving out of theirs. Ironically, their narcissistic phase drives away the very women they want to attract--terrific women like you!
I think it is nearly impossible to find a man our age (50's) who is not going through something...thereby making him unavailable or undesirable to those of us who are just getting more wonderful every single day.
I believe middle aged men and women, particularly in their 50's are simply moving in opposite directions in their lives.
Who doesn't know the 54 year old guy with the 35 year old wife and now they have a kid? I personally think it is pathetic but again, men our age are in different places than we are and until they evolve or grow up or look around or find the balls to face a truly self-confident woman, they are going to act out their insecurities.
I have not met a real man in a long long time and I do wish men would get off their damn computers and walk up and start asking women out again! But wishing is not doing.
SO NO. IT ISN'T YOU!!!! Unfortunately, these are just the times we live in. You already know the alternatives--change your age preference to someone younger or older and this requires all kinds of concessions that take energy, both physical and mental.
Or be contented on your own. Buy your vibrators and sex toys. (They really are superior sometimes to what a man can do as well; really, though I realize we miss the physical contact). Find an author whose books you love. Do music either as in listening to it or playing it. Get regular exercise. Go into nature with a book of poems or write your own. Love your pets if you have them. Foster a support system of healthy people (i.e. people who have been in therapy or are in therapy are the healthiest people in my opinion because they are aware that they are always in process and they are striving to stay in touch with this spiritual transformation which it is and should be if it is effective therapy). Most importantly, do not settle for a man just to have one.
When a red light goes off in your head about a man, PAY ATTENTION TO IT. Kindly get up from the table and LEAVE. You are getting better and better with every day and so your standards should rise, not lower!
Enjoy the peaceful contentedness of this time in our lives and if he shows up, terrific. If he doesn't, then
realize my dear beautiful middle-aged woman friend, it is not you.
"I knew it," I said to her.
"What do you mean you knew it?" she replied back.
"I mean, I knew it intuitively. In other words, I am not surprised. I never liked him. I only wish I could have told you."
Even though they were now fighting through a nasty divorce, my friend had already shed the stress of being with this man from her BODY. The stress I saw in her when she was with him that she kept in her face and body was GONE. I believe this kind of thing can also make you very sick, as in lead to cancer. While she was angry and hurt, she had never looked better.
There are so many topics in this but I will try to narrow it down to two: Topic 1 is if your girlfriend is involved with a schmuck, should you say something? Topic 2 is if you are still alone and you are afraid it is you, it is NOT (unless you are passed out on your couch, or someone else's, in your own barf and you do things like this on a regular basis then maybe it is you).
First Topic 1:
YES. You should say something. Once, I thought not but I have changed my opinion on this. Let me say too that I am a member of the Sisterhood. The Sisterhood is a pact between all women that no woman scams on another woman's man. It has been hard for me to stick to this pact, to be honest, because I have been in situations where my girlfriend's significant others have hit me up for a date on the side. A few of these men have been very desirable but what I tell them is they need to deal with their marriage FIRST, not look for a diversion. Also, you tell them you will not betray your girlfriend. Absolutely not.
I also will NOT date a separated man even if he and his wife have been separated for many years. No way.
If you run into the guy a few years later and he is divorced and available, then by all means, it's open season on this dude. Go for it. The rule in this case is DO NO HARM especially to your girlfriend. I don't care how desirable her man is, don't do it until they are legally split up and even then, out of respect for your girlfriend, maybe meet her for coffee and let her know (assuming you are still friends and care about one another).
It is tough but I have sent men back to their wives and in at least one case, they reconciled and are happier now. So first, if you are going to say something to your girlfriend that her husband is a rat, make clear to her it is not because you are trying to scam on him. Explain the Sisterhood pact. Also, do it out of compassion for your friend, not to hurt her, to score points, or otherwise be a bitch. Do it if you love her as a friend and tell her you are telling her because you love her.
Ex: "Lois, you know I love you and I hate to tell you this but it is because I love you that I am telling you this. I saw your husband kissing another woman. I cannot lie, as you know, and not telling you felt like a lie.
The rest is up to you but I am here for you as a friend if you need me. I'm sorry."
Now on to Topic 2--IS IT ME?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS THEM!!
I do not think I have ever seen middle-aged men so dysfunctional as I see them now. How do I know they are dysfunctional? Because I know so many terrific single middle-aged women!!! Something is wrong when I know ten+ terrific single women--all funny, smart, attractive, strong (uh oh), comfortable in their own skin, capable, and ALL STILL SINGLE meaning they do not even have a boyfriend.
What is the matter with men our age these days?
Men our age have all kinds of shit going on, namely, they are coming to grips with getting older and while I think this empowers women because we have outgrown bullshit, I think men are actually entering a bullshit phase in their lives, and yes, I mean the mid-life crisis but there is truth to this. While women are getting more focused on the outer world, men are getting more focused on themselves--their hair, their paunch, their bodies, their teeth, their horoscopes....they are entering a narcissistic phase while I think women are moving out of theirs. Ironically, their narcissistic phase drives away the very women they want to attract--terrific women like you!
I think it is nearly impossible to find a man our age (50's) who is not going through something...thereby making him unavailable or undesirable to those of us who are just getting more wonderful every single day.
I believe middle aged men and women, particularly in their 50's are simply moving in opposite directions in their lives.
Who doesn't know the 54 year old guy with the 35 year old wife and now they have a kid? I personally think it is pathetic but again, men our age are in different places than we are and until they evolve or grow up or look around or find the balls to face a truly self-confident woman, they are going to act out their insecurities.
I have not met a real man in a long long time and I do wish men would get off their damn computers and walk up and start asking women out again! But wishing is not doing.
SO NO. IT ISN'T YOU!!!! Unfortunately, these are just the times we live in. You already know the alternatives--change your age preference to someone younger or older and this requires all kinds of concessions that take energy, both physical and mental.
Or be contented on your own. Buy your vibrators and sex toys. (They really are superior sometimes to what a man can do as well; really, though I realize we miss the physical contact). Find an author whose books you love. Do music either as in listening to it or playing it. Get regular exercise. Go into nature with a book of poems or write your own. Love your pets if you have them. Foster a support system of healthy people (i.e. people who have been in therapy or are in therapy are the healthiest people in my opinion because they are aware that they are always in process and they are striving to stay in touch with this spiritual transformation which it is and should be if it is effective therapy). Most importantly, do not settle for a man just to have one.
When a red light goes off in your head about a man, PAY ATTENTION TO IT. Kindly get up from the table and LEAVE. You are getting better and better with every day and so your standards should rise, not lower!
Enjoy the peaceful contentedness of this time in our lives and if he shows up, terrific. If he doesn't, then
realize my dear beautiful middle-aged woman friend, it is not you.
Friday, November 9, 2012
A New Category of Single Men
If you go to my older posts, you will see the categories I have been able to stick my dates into.
Well, based on a recent date, I now have yet another category. It is:
The Guy Who Never Went to College But Still Wishes He Did While You DID Go To College And He Seems to Resent You For it.
I will refine this at some point but let me tell you about my latest date. I met him online and of course, all the standard deceptions applied because things went swimmingly via email and talking to him on the phone. I think we both thought we were compatible but as I have said before, chemistry MUST COME FIRST!!
Still, I detected the tiniest bit of hope in myself. Shame on me. Fool me once, well, fool me again...
(how did George put it?).
He had all his teeth. He had his original hair. He was attractive. He was well dressed for the area. He also attempted to be a gentleman which I greatly appreciated. He owns a junkyard. Since I am someone who respects small businesses and understands the strong desire to stay out of office buildings and cubicles (and I also believe strongly in "reuse and recycle"), I had no problem with this. He had run the junk business for quite a few years and sounded reasonably professional and competent with it. Plus, he was making a lot of money. Never hurts.
We also seemed to hit it off in conversation and since I am a highly analytical intellectual woman (who loves talking politics--something the more popular online dating sites say women just do not like to do which is bunch of crap), again, I felt the small wings of hope alighting upon my skeptical brow.
Then it all went to shit.
He observed, as many people do, that I seem exceedingly intelligent and then proceeded to talk at length about how he always wanted to go to college and he tried but then for some reason, he just did not continue. There were all kinds of reasons why he did not continue--his mother, his income, his brother...I cannot even remember them all. All I remember is I did not bring up his lack of college education, HE DID. Then he would not shut up about it. "Ok," I said inside my head, "this guy is insecure about the fact that not only did I go to college, I have an advanced degree." (And I worked my ass off for it by the way).
It then got worse as he went from praising my intelligence to "testing me". Yes, he started testing me with questions regarding my I.Q., history, politics...and he was not doing it out of fun. He was doing it to "catch me" saying something wrong so he could feel better. And he would not stop. The more he tested me, the angrier he got. Finally, he pissed me off and despite a nice dinner and a pleasant walk afterwards, I looked at all the red flags waving in my brain and made it back to my car where I shook his hand and bid him adieu. By the end of the date, I could not get away from him fast enough.
I had met this type before, thus the new category. All I can say is if you meet a man who cannot get over that you went to college and he did not, do not waste your time. It has nothing to do with you. It has 100% to do with him and you will never be able to overcome this incredible insecurity FOR HIM. He will have to do it. So pack up your books and college degree and get the hell out of there. You're educated, remember?
Well, based on a recent date, I now have yet another category. It is:
The Guy Who Never Went to College But Still Wishes He Did While You DID Go To College And He Seems to Resent You For it.
I will refine this at some point but let me tell you about my latest date. I met him online and of course, all the standard deceptions applied because things went swimmingly via email and talking to him on the phone. I think we both thought we were compatible but as I have said before, chemistry MUST COME FIRST!!
Still, I detected the tiniest bit of hope in myself. Shame on me. Fool me once, well, fool me again...
(how did George put it?).
He had all his teeth. He had his original hair. He was attractive. He was well dressed for the area. He also attempted to be a gentleman which I greatly appreciated. He owns a junkyard. Since I am someone who respects small businesses and understands the strong desire to stay out of office buildings and cubicles (and I also believe strongly in "reuse and recycle"), I had no problem with this. He had run the junk business for quite a few years and sounded reasonably professional and competent with it. Plus, he was making a lot of money. Never hurts.
We also seemed to hit it off in conversation and since I am a highly analytical intellectual woman (who loves talking politics--something the more popular online dating sites say women just do not like to do which is bunch of crap), again, I felt the small wings of hope alighting upon my skeptical brow.
Then it all went to shit.
He observed, as many people do, that I seem exceedingly intelligent and then proceeded to talk at length about how he always wanted to go to college and he tried but then for some reason, he just did not continue. There were all kinds of reasons why he did not continue--his mother, his income, his brother...I cannot even remember them all. All I remember is I did not bring up his lack of college education, HE DID. Then he would not shut up about it. "Ok," I said inside my head, "this guy is insecure about the fact that not only did I go to college, I have an advanced degree." (And I worked my ass off for it by the way).
It then got worse as he went from praising my intelligence to "testing me". Yes, he started testing me with questions regarding my I.Q., history, politics...and he was not doing it out of fun. He was doing it to "catch me" saying something wrong so he could feel better. And he would not stop. The more he tested me, the angrier he got. Finally, he pissed me off and despite a nice dinner and a pleasant walk afterwards, I looked at all the red flags waving in my brain and made it back to my car where I shook his hand and bid him adieu. By the end of the date, I could not get away from him fast enough.
I had met this type before, thus the new category. All I can say is if you meet a man who cannot get over that you went to college and he did not, do not waste your time. It has nothing to do with you. It has 100% to do with him and you will never be able to overcome this incredible insecurity FOR HIM. He will have to do it. So pack up your books and college degree and get the hell out of there. You're educated, remember?
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