The real name of this post is "I Wish My Wife Would Let Me Watch That."
If you are new to this blog, I apologize because it started out as views of being
1. white in America
2. dating other white men in America
but race does not really matter to me in terms of who I date...except I still adhere to my hypothesis that there is something in the genetics of white people from European stock (WASPS) that makes us obsessive compulsive or compelled to be controlling. I bet if some researcher looked-up the stats of psychological disorders by race, white people would have the highest levels of obsessive-compulsive/control disorders. I then tie this into the history of the Western European white race (past 500 years) and colonialism. In other words, white people's history of taking over "inferior" races, of bulldozing land, of wiping out anything that gets in their way, love of guns and control, etc. Are we just assholes (more the white male I am talking about here) or predisposed to being assholes? If OCD/control issues are genetic in the white race, then this explains SOME of it and by no means provides an excuse but whenever I see some mostly fat white guy on his mower on his lawn, then standing with a backpack sprayer of chemicals on his lawn, then working over the shrubs with lopers and pruning shears on his lawn, I just cannot help but wonder-- WTF? Multiply this behavior by thousands...This fat white guy HAS to control even the plants on this lawn to the point that he dumps poison all over it...
And on this note is a recent dinner I attended for work made up entirely of white men of different ages. My profession is one dominated by white people and mostly white males. We were coming back from a day in the field and stopped for dinner. All of these men are married. I was, once again, the only one at the table that is not married and once again, out of place. Still, it always entertaining if not enlightening to observe my own species especially a bunch of white males.
The conversation was fascinating. Guns and hunting. The Bible. Then, television. I got cable television not too long ago when the cable company wore me down by talking me into "bundling"...I caved. I cannot believe it but I was actually able to talk television with these guys. I watch television now. I even came out of the closet about it with them. I kind of ended-up yelling it out--"Yea, I Watch Television Now. Can Ya' Believe it?"
None of them knew how to respond and stared at me. Once I got through this, we talked about our favorite shows and of course, I am a nerd so I love the Big Bang Theory. One of the guys at the table then said,
"I wish my wife would let me watch that." He is a "Christian". You see my point (yes I am finally getting to one).
TYPE OF MAN REFERENCE (see my reference guide to types of men I have dated in previous post): BABY MEN
My point is--damn I am so glad I am not married. What a bunch of SHIT! What is it with the couples I know who dictate behavior to their spouses? I cannot begin to list the number of ex-girlfriends I have had who "had to ask their husbands" if we could do something then their husbands, all of which hate my guts, say no. "Albert wants to go," says my friend B when they drive 8 hours to visit me but "King Albert" is "uncomfortable" (because they know I see through their shit) and "wants to leave." Ya know what? If my husband/boyfriend was "uncomfortable" around one of my dear girlfriends, I would tell him to get lost and find something else to do. Really? You're uncomfortable? Well, shove this up your ass (wine bottle) then see how "uncomfortable" you are, you big baby!! What is this?
I cannot stay friends with any of my girlfriends who have to answer to their weanie ass insecure baby men husbands. BUT, I never thought about it in the other direction--namely, men who are cow-towed by their women-- I never thought about this until the man at the table actually told us and the other men at the table that his wife will not "let" him watch certain television shows. It makes me shudder to think about it. Fascist Marriages.
I have been in four significant relationships in my life, the longest was five years and NOT once did I tell or even think to tell my partner what he could watch on television (but then again, we didn't have one), how to dress, where to go...(o.k. I did tell a couple of them where to go, right before we broke up) and yes, when "Eric" would go out with his female friend I had to acknowledge it made me feel weird but then again, they had known one another 20 years. Who in the hell was I to diss this kind of relationship? (And they never did anything anyway; she was married).
So after all this, I wonder if I even WANT to be in a relationship anymore. Could I stand anyone micromanaging my life even down to what I watch on television? Ugh. Never. I think I love being single but I still wonder what it is that makes me breakdown and post yet another profile on another online dating site. What is it? What is it that stands between me in reality (relatively happy) and that nagging voice that says to me, "you have to find someone and soon! You're getting old!" I have noticed a direct correlation between my contentedness and how long I have been single and they are positively correlated! Does the little nagging voice come from society? Television talk shows? Commercials? My friends? Is it none of these because it is coming from me? Is it something evolution-related? So I have someone to take care of me but then again, most men are lazy and the last thing they want to do is take care of you when you get old....you are supposed to take care of THEM when they get old, remember?
Ah yes, the little nagging voice that reminds me I am still single and "should find someone." Am I just afraid to let it go? Why am I afraid to strangle that little voice? I don't know. Yet.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Revisionist Lives-Double Jeopardy
Dedicated to all the women who are in this situation...you will crawl out of it...but we know
how you feel...
Married 23 years, divorced, and middle aged. I call this state in life a kind of double jeopardy. So it goes.
In addition to being newly single, you are now heading into your "golden years" and I don't think any time since being a teenager can be more disconcerting, disquieting, and uncomfortable. What are we supposed to do now? Where is our place in the world now? Do we have one? It is only worse because I feel human relationships are in breakdown mode as compassion gives way to survival and no one wants to be bothered anymore with actually caring about anything, least of all, you. After all, you just got kicked in the...
Then there are your friends, if you even have any and if you even have any LEFT from your past. They are frittering away as well. Phone calls go un-returned. Letters are stamped "address unknown" even though you swear your friend from college still lives in Seattle. You make a feeble attempt to meet someone you don't particularly like for dinner and when they cancel at the last minute, you are secretly grateful because this means you can stay in bed with the dogs snuggled up against you (used to be a man), watch white-trash television, drink wine, and be perfectly contented. Then the fact that you are in bed at 8 p.m on a Friday night perfectly contented watching white-trash television bothers you...but then it doesn't. Fuck it you say as you turn to a Sex and the City rerun you have watched 32 times and the Cabernet isn't bad for $3.99. Shut up already. You have your health. Ok so you don't have health benefits (guess where THIS is?) and your husband--ex-husband--went parachuting with someone last weekend. Hope the bastard's parachute didn't open. "Oh you hit the ground just when it opened? You're paralyzed? I'm so sorry."
These are strange fucking times my friends. Bumper cars. We are like bumper cars, kind of slamming into one another with the perfunctory "sorry" but not really because we don't really give a shit anymore. We are treading water to do what? Die? Are we just killing time until we die?
Dating. Please. He'll have to knock your holey sock off or knock you out of your self-imposed lobotomy or knock on something because you don't really care anymore. It's all going to shit and it IS all going to shit. There are just too many of us now and we keep coming. We all know it's the end times. So enjoy that 3rd glass of wine and avoid Downton Abbey because they just killed off Matthew. Like I said, end times.
how you feel...
Married 23 years, divorced, and middle aged. I call this state in life a kind of double jeopardy. So it goes.
In addition to being newly single, you are now heading into your "golden years" and I don't think any time since being a teenager can be more disconcerting, disquieting, and uncomfortable. What are we supposed to do now? Where is our place in the world now? Do we have one? It is only worse because I feel human relationships are in breakdown mode as compassion gives way to survival and no one wants to be bothered anymore with actually caring about anything, least of all, you. After all, you just got kicked in the...
Then there are your friends, if you even have any and if you even have any LEFT from your past. They are frittering away as well. Phone calls go un-returned. Letters are stamped "address unknown" even though you swear your friend from college still lives in Seattle. You make a feeble attempt to meet someone you don't particularly like for dinner and when they cancel at the last minute, you are secretly grateful because this means you can stay in bed with the dogs snuggled up against you (used to be a man), watch white-trash television, drink wine, and be perfectly contented. Then the fact that you are in bed at 8 p.m on a Friday night perfectly contented watching white-trash television bothers you...but then it doesn't. Fuck it you say as you turn to a Sex and the City rerun you have watched 32 times and the Cabernet isn't bad for $3.99. Shut up already. You have your health. Ok so you don't have health benefits (guess where THIS is?) and your husband--ex-husband--went parachuting with someone last weekend. Hope the bastard's parachute didn't open. "Oh you hit the ground just when it opened? You're paralyzed? I'm so sorry."
These are strange fucking times my friends. Bumper cars. We are like bumper cars, kind of slamming into one another with the perfunctory "sorry" but not really because we don't really give a shit anymore. We are treading water to do what? Die? Are we just killing time until we die?
Dating. Please. He'll have to knock your holey sock off or knock you out of your self-imposed lobotomy or knock on something because you don't really care anymore. It's all going to shit and it IS all going to shit. There are just too many of us now and we keep coming. We all know it's the end times. So enjoy that 3rd glass of wine and avoid Downton Abbey because they just killed off Matthew. Like I said, end times.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Is it Me?
I ran into a friend recently who looked "different" but I could not figure out how or why. She just looked different--she had lost weight, her hair style had changed but beyond this was a calmness about her I had not seen before. A few weeks before, her husband, who she described as an abusive narcissist and quite accurately from what I knew of him, admitted to her he was having an affair.
"I knew it," I said to her.
"What do you mean you knew it?" she replied back.
"I mean, I knew it intuitively. In other words, I am not surprised. I never liked him. I only wish I could have told you."
Even though they were now fighting through a nasty divorce, my friend had already shed the stress of being with this man from her BODY. The stress I saw in her when she was with him that she kept in her face and body was GONE. I believe this kind of thing can also make you very sick, as in lead to cancer. While she was angry and hurt, she had never looked better.
There are so many topics in this but I will try to narrow it down to two: Topic 1 is if your girlfriend is involved with a schmuck, should you say something? Topic 2 is if you are still alone and you are afraid it is you, it is NOT (unless you are passed out on your couch, or someone else's, in your own barf and you do things like this on a regular basis then maybe it is you).
First Topic 1:
YES. You should say something. Once, I thought not but I have changed my opinion on this. Let me say too that I am a member of the Sisterhood. The Sisterhood is a pact between all women that no woman scams on another woman's man. It has been hard for me to stick to this pact, to be honest, because I have been in situations where my girlfriend's significant others have hit me up for a date on the side. A few of these men have been very desirable but what I tell them is they need to deal with their marriage FIRST, not look for a diversion. Also, you tell them you will not betray your girlfriend. Absolutely not.
I also will NOT date a separated man even if he and his wife have been separated for many years. No way.
If you run into the guy a few years later and he is divorced and available, then by all means, it's open season on this dude. Go for it. The rule in this case is DO NO HARM especially to your girlfriend. I don't care how desirable her man is, don't do it until they are legally split up and even then, out of respect for your girlfriend, maybe meet her for coffee and let her know (assuming you are still friends and care about one another).
It is tough but I have sent men back to their wives and in at least one case, they reconciled and are happier now. So first, if you are going to say something to your girlfriend that her husband is a rat, make clear to her it is not because you are trying to scam on him. Explain the Sisterhood pact. Also, do it out of compassion for your friend, not to hurt her, to score points, or otherwise be a bitch. Do it if you love her as a friend and tell her you are telling her because you love her.
Ex: "Lois, you know I love you and I hate to tell you this but it is because I love you that I am telling you this. I saw your husband kissing another woman. I cannot lie, as you know, and not telling you felt like a lie.
The rest is up to you but I am here for you as a friend if you need me. I'm sorry."
Now on to Topic 2--IS IT ME?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS THEM!!
I do not think I have ever seen middle-aged men so dysfunctional as I see them now. How do I know they are dysfunctional? Because I know so many terrific single middle-aged women!!! Something is wrong when I know ten+ terrific single women--all funny, smart, attractive, strong (uh oh), comfortable in their own skin, capable, and ALL STILL SINGLE meaning they do not even have a boyfriend.
What is the matter with men our age these days?
Men our age have all kinds of shit going on, namely, they are coming to grips with getting older and while I think this empowers women because we have outgrown bullshit, I think men are actually entering a bullshit phase in their lives, and yes, I mean the mid-life crisis but there is truth to this. While women are getting more focused on the outer world, men are getting more focused on themselves--their hair, their paunch, their bodies, their teeth, their horoscopes....they are entering a narcissistic phase while I think women are moving out of theirs. Ironically, their narcissistic phase drives away the very women they want to attract--terrific women like you!
I think it is nearly impossible to find a man our age (50's) who is not going through something...thereby making him unavailable or undesirable to those of us who are just getting more wonderful every single day.
I believe middle aged men and women, particularly in their 50's are simply moving in opposite directions in their lives.
Who doesn't know the 54 year old guy with the 35 year old wife and now they have a kid? I personally think it is pathetic but again, men our age are in different places than we are and until they evolve or grow up or look around or find the balls to face a truly self-confident woman, they are going to act out their insecurities.
I have not met a real man in a long long time and I do wish men would get off their damn computers and walk up and start asking women out again! But wishing is not doing.
SO NO. IT ISN'T YOU!!!! Unfortunately, these are just the times we live in. You already know the alternatives--change your age preference to someone younger or older and this requires all kinds of concessions that take energy, both physical and mental.
Or be contented on your own. Buy your vibrators and sex toys. (They really are superior sometimes to what a man can do as well; really, though I realize we miss the physical contact). Find an author whose books you love. Do music either as in listening to it or playing it. Get regular exercise. Go into nature with a book of poems or write your own. Love your pets if you have them. Foster a support system of healthy people (i.e. people who have been in therapy or are in therapy are the healthiest people in my opinion because they are aware that they are always in process and they are striving to stay in touch with this spiritual transformation which it is and should be if it is effective therapy). Most importantly, do not settle for a man just to have one.
When a red light goes off in your head about a man, PAY ATTENTION TO IT. Kindly get up from the table and LEAVE. You are getting better and better with every day and so your standards should rise, not lower!
Enjoy the peaceful contentedness of this time in our lives and if he shows up, terrific. If he doesn't, then
realize my dear beautiful middle-aged woman friend, it is not you.
"I knew it," I said to her.
"What do you mean you knew it?" she replied back.
"I mean, I knew it intuitively. In other words, I am not surprised. I never liked him. I only wish I could have told you."
Even though they were now fighting through a nasty divorce, my friend had already shed the stress of being with this man from her BODY. The stress I saw in her when she was with him that she kept in her face and body was GONE. I believe this kind of thing can also make you very sick, as in lead to cancer. While she was angry and hurt, she had never looked better.
There are so many topics in this but I will try to narrow it down to two: Topic 1 is if your girlfriend is involved with a schmuck, should you say something? Topic 2 is if you are still alone and you are afraid it is you, it is NOT (unless you are passed out on your couch, or someone else's, in your own barf and you do things like this on a regular basis then maybe it is you).
First Topic 1:
YES. You should say something. Once, I thought not but I have changed my opinion on this. Let me say too that I am a member of the Sisterhood. The Sisterhood is a pact between all women that no woman scams on another woman's man. It has been hard for me to stick to this pact, to be honest, because I have been in situations where my girlfriend's significant others have hit me up for a date on the side. A few of these men have been very desirable but what I tell them is they need to deal with their marriage FIRST, not look for a diversion. Also, you tell them you will not betray your girlfriend. Absolutely not.
I also will NOT date a separated man even if he and his wife have been separated for many years. No way.
If you run into the guy a few years later and he is divorced and available, then by all means, it's open season on this dude. Go for it. The rule in this case is DO NO HARM especially to your girlfriend. I don't care how desirable her man is, don't do it until they are legally split up and even then, out of respect for your girlfriend, maybe meet her for coffee and let her know (assuming you are still friends and care about one another).
It is tough but I have sent men back to their wives and in at least one case, they reconciled and are happier now. So first, if you are going to say something to your girlfriend that her husband is a rat, make clear to her it is not because you are trying to scam on him. Explain the Sisterhood pact. Also, do it out of compassion for your friend, not to hurt her, to score points, or otherwise be a bitch. Do it if you love her as a friend and tell her you are telling her because you love her.
Ex: "Lois, you know I love you and I hate to tell you this but it is because I love you that I am telling you this. I saw your husband kissing another woman. I cannot lie, as you know, and not telling you felt like a lie.
The rest is up to you but I am here for you as a friend if you need me. I'm sorry."
Now on to Topic 2--IS IT ME?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS THEM!!
I do not think I have ever seen middle-aged men so dysfunctional as I see them now. How do I know they are dysfunctional? Because I know so many terrific single middle-aged women!!! Something is wrong when I know ten+ terrific single women--all funny, smart, attractive, strong (uh oh), comfortable in their own skin, capable, and ALL STILL SINGLE meaning they do not even have a boyfriend.
What is the matter with men our age these days?
Men our age have all kinds of shit going on, namely, they are coming to grips with getting older and while I think this empowers women because we have outgrown bullshit, I think men are actually entering a bullshit phase in their lives, and yes, I mean the mid-life crisis but there is truth to this. While women are getting more focused on the outer world, men are getting more focused on themselves--their hair, their paunch, their bodies, their teeth, their horoscopes....they are entering a narcissistic phase while I think women are moving out of theirs. Ironically, their narcissistic phase drives away the very women they want to attract--terrific women like you!
I think it is nearly impossible to find a man our age (50's) who is not going through something...thereby making him unavailable or undesirable to those of us who are just getting more wonderful every single day.
I believe middle aged men and women, particularly in their 50's are simply moving in opposite directions in their lives.
Who doesn't know the 54 year old guy with the 35 year old wife and now they have a kid? I personally think it is pathetic but again, men our age are in different places than we are and until they evolve or grow up or look around or find the balls to face a truly self-confident woman, they are going to act out their insecurities.
I have not met a real man in a long long time and I do wish men would get off their damn computers and walk up and start asking women out again! But wishing is not doing.
SO NO. IT ISN'T YOU!!!! Unfortunately, these are just the times we live in. You already know the alternatives--change your age preference to someone younger or older and this requires all kinds of concessions that take energy, both physical and mental.
Or be contented on your own. Buy your vibrators and sex toys. (They really are superior sometimes to what a man can do as well; really, though I realize we miss the physical contact). Find an author whose books you love. Do music either as in listening to it or playing it. Get regular exercise. Go into nature with a book of poems or write your own. Love your pets if you have them. Foster a support system of healthy people (i.e. people who have been in therapy or are in therapy are the healthiest people in my opinion because they are aware that they are always in process and they are striving to stay in touch with this spiritual transformation which it is and should be if it is effective therapy). Most importantly, do not settle for a man just to have one.
When a red light goes off in your head about a man, PAY ATTENTION TO IT. Kindly get up from the table and LEAVE. You are getting better and better with every day and so your standards should rise, not lower!
Enjoy the peaceful contentedness of this time in our lives and if he shows up, terrific. If he doesn't, then
realize my dear beautiful middle-aged woman friend, it is not you.
Friday, November 9, 2012
A New Category of Single Men
If you go to my older posts, you will see the categories I have been able to stick my dates into.
Well, based on a recent date, I now have yet another category. It is:
The Guy Who Never Went to College But Still Wishes He Did While You DID Go To College And He Seems to Resent You For it.
I will refine this at some point but let me tell you about my latest date. I met him online and of course, all the standard deceptions applied because things went swimmingly via email and talking to him on the phone. I think we both thought we were compatible but as I have said before, chemistry MUST COME FIRST!!
Still, I detected the tiniest bit of hope in myself. Shame on me. Fool me once, well, fool me again...
(how did George put it?).
He had all his teeth. He had his original hair. He was attractive. He was well dressed for the area. He also attempted to be a gentleman which I greatly appreciated. He owns a junkyard. Since I am someone who respects small businesses and understands the strong desire to stay out of office buildings and cubicles (and I also believe strongly in "reuse and recycle"), I had no problem with this. He had run the junk business for quite a few years and sounded reasonably professional and competent with it. Plus, he was making a lot of money. Never hurts.
We also seemed to hit it off in conversation and since I am a highly analytical intellectual woman (who loves talking politics--something the more popular online dating sites say women just do not like to do which is bunch of crap), again, I felt the small wings of hope alighting upon my skeptical brow.
Then it all went to shit.
He observed, as many people do, that I seem exceedingly intelligent and then proceeded to talk at length about how he always wanted to go to college and he tried but then for some reason, he just did not continue. There were all kinds of reasons why he did not continue--his mother, his income, his brother...I cannot even remember them all. All I remember is I did not bring up his lack of college education, HE DID. Then he would not shut up about it. "Ok," I said inside my head, "this guy is insecure about the fact that not only did I go to college, I have an advanced degree." (And I worked my ass off for it by the way).
It then got worse as he went from praising my intelligence to "testing me". Yes, he started testing me with questions regarding my I.Q., history, politics...and he was not doing it out of fun. He was doing it to "catch me" saying something wrong so he could feel better. And he would not stop. The more he tested me, the angrier he got. Finally, he pissed me off and despite a nice dinner and a pleasant walk afterwards, I looked at all the red flags waving in my brain and made it back to my car where I shook his hand and bid him adieu. By the end of the date, I could not get away from him fast enough.
I had met this type before, thus the new category. All I can say is if you meet a man who cannot get over that you went to college and he did not, do not waste your time. It has nothing to do with you. It has 100% to do with him and you will never be able to overcome this incredible insecurity FOR HIM. He will have to do it. So pack up your books and college degree and get the hell out of there. You're educated, remember?
Well, based on a recent date, I now have yet another category. It is:
The Guy Who Never Went to College But Still Wishes He Did While You DID Go To College And He Seems to Resent You For it.
I will refine this at some point but let me tell you about my latest date. I met him online and of course, all the standard deceptions applied because things went swimmingly via email and talking to him on the phone. I think we both thought we were compatible but as I have said before, chemistry MUST COME FIRST!!
Still, I detected the tiniest bit of hope in myself. Shame on me. Fool me once, well, fool me again...
(how did George put it?).
He had all his teeth. He had his original hair. He was attractive. He was well dressed for the area. He also attempted to be a gentleman which I greatly appreciated. He owns a junkyard. Since I am someone who respects small businesses and understands the strong desire to stay out of office buildings and cubicles (and I also believe strongly in "reuse and recycle"), I had no problem with this. He had run the junk business for quite a few years and sounded reasonably professional and competent with it. Plus, he was making a lot of money. Never hurts.
We also seemed to hit it off in conversation and since I am a highly analytical intellectual woman (who loves talking politics--something the more popular online dating sites say women just do not like to do which is bunch of crap), again, I felt the small wings of hope alighting upon my skeptical brow.
Then it all went to shit.
He observed, as many people do, that I seem exceedingly intelligent and then proceeded to talk at length about how he always wanted to go to college and he tried but then for some reason, he just did not continue. There were all kinds of reasons why he did not continue--his mother, his income, his brother...I cannot even remember them all. All I remember is I did not bring up his lack of college education, HE DID. Then he would not shut up about it. "Ok," I said inside my head, "this guy is insecure about the fact that not only did I go to college, I have an advanced degree." (And I worked my ass off for it by the way).
It then got worse as he went from praising my intelligence to "testing me". Yes, he started testing me with questions regarding my I.Q., history, politics...and he was not doing it out of fun. He was doing it to "catch me" saying something wrong so he could feel better. And he would not stop. The more he tested me, the angrier he got. Finally, he pissed me off and despite a nice dinner and a pleasant walk afterwards, I looked at all the red flags waving in my brain and made it back to my car where I shook his hand and bid him adieu. By the end of the date, I could not get away from him fast enough.
I had met this type before, thus the new category. All I can say is if you meet a man who cannot get over that you went to college and he did not, do not waste your time. It has nothing to do with you. It has 100% to do with him and you will never be able to overcome this incredible insecurity FOR HIM. He will have to do it. So pack up your books and college degree and get the hell out of there. You're educated, remember?
Saturday, July 7, 2012
"I Got Another One" or Happy Independence Day
I think we have established that people from the Baby Boomer generation are
arrogant and smug in their own comfortableness and you can never get through to narcissists anyway so give up.
I recently did an inventory of people I feel shitty around and they were all Baby Boomers and while generous in their own way, it is only to glorify themselves.
"We'll show you our photos of France when we get back" (insert, "you poor sucker" in here). Of course, I was overjoyed and will wait quietly in the dark for their return.
Anyway, the point is, if you have people in your lives that make you feel crappy,
drop them. In my case, they are all Baby Boomers who could care less when I hit hard times and then it is fun watching them get terrified I am going to hit them up for money. I would not because this would give them tremendous satisfaction and give them a reason to be even more patronizing and condescending.
I am writing about a recent party I went to. It was a pool party. Baby Boomers.
Very well off. Here we go.
I recently attended a 4th pool party. It was fun but of course, I turned the whole experience into a sociological-ethnographical-anthroplogical-psychological study. I looked at the pool and it was full of couples. Many of these people are on their third or fourth marriage. All were older than me by at least ten years. Silver-haired, all of them. Generally nice people. Financially comfortable. They were like old chickens, there in the pool. Cackling away about their last trip to Italy, their new motorcycle, their vacation homes they decided to walk away from; oblivious, self-absorbed, and thoroughly entertaining. I got into a conversation with a few of the women. It was amusing listening to one of them talk about how after her third husband died, "I got another one. Him, over there," she said pointing at an attractive white haired man on the other end of the pool. It was as if she was talking about a car. "I got another one. After the Audi, I just decided to get a Toyota and that's him, standing at the other end of the pool." The other women nodded. I could not help but laugh. So goes love. We are different people every day but we are different people throughout life. Where once we were in love, as we get older, having another person becomes, for some, just sheer acquisition. Maybe this is why some people do better with the online dating than I do. They just want "another one" while I am still stupidly looking for "the" one. I don't currently have "one" and as I get older and more content in my single-ness, I don't want "one" and maybe it is time for me to let go of trying to find THE one. (Actually, I did, but he died (see older posts). My heart shut down. But this was also a long time ago). Aside from the very bored "kids" of the couples there, I was the only single person at the entire party and for this, I was extremely grateful. What was it about looking at all those couples that made me feel as if I could suffocate at any minute? I left and returned home where I had a glass of wine and walked my dogs down a quiet road, all of us perfectly contented and myself, very relieved; grateful for my independence.
I recently attended a 4th pool party. It was fun but of course, I turned the whole experience into a sociological-ethnographical-anthroplogical-psychological study. I looked at the pool and it was full of couples. Many of these people are on their third or fourth marriage. All were older than me by at least ten years. Silver-haired, all of them. Generally nice people. Financially comfortable. They were like old chickens, there in the pool. Cackling away about their last trip to Italy, their new motorcycle, their vacation homes they decided to walk away from; oblivious, self-absorbed, and thoroughly entertaining. I got into a conversation with a few of the women. It was amusing listening to one of them talk about how after her third husband died, "I got another one. Him, over there," she said pointing at an attractive white haired man on the other end of the pool. It was as if she was talking about a car. "I got another one. After the Audi, I just decided to get a Toyota and that's him, standing at the other end of the pool." The other women nodded. I could not help but laugh. So goes love. We are different people every day but we are different people throughout life. Where once we were in love, as we get older, having another person becomes, for some, just sheer acquisition. Maybe this is why some people do better with the online dating than I do. They just want "another one" while I am still stupidly looking for "the" one. I don't currently have "one" and as I get older and more content in my single-ness, I don't want "one" and maybe it is time for me to let go of trying to find THE one. (Actually, I did, but he died (see older posts). My heart shut down. But this was also a long time ago). Aside from the very bored "kids" of the couples there, I was the only single person at the entire party and for this, I was extremely grateful. What was it about looking at all those couples that made me feel as if I could suffocate at any minute? I left and returned home where I had a glass of wine and walked my dogs down a quiet road, all of us perfectly contented and myself, very relieved; grateful for my independence.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Online Dating: addtional views frm a middleaged white woman: OCCUPY A BABY BOOMER!!!!
NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH!!!!!!! The end of the era of narcissism is coming to an end, THANK GOD!! OCCUPY A BABY BOOMER!!!
I know, you were hoping for a post about middle aged white women dating and I did this already. See previous posts. Nothing's changed. Sorry.
This post takes possibly too brutal of a look at the baby boomer generation but after years of observations, I cannot help but make a few on this generation.
BUT FIRST--my friend.
I have a friend who I will call Mary who I have been friends with for a few years now. There is a ten year different between Mary and I. Mary is a baby boomer while I am barely NOT. It has been fascinating to watch Mary go through what I can only call extremely painful cultural change because Mary is from the Baby Boomer Generation (now officially named with capital letters). In my opinion, only, but based on at least on anecdotal evidence, people from the Baby Boomer generation are the most self-absorbed, selfish, and materialistic humans the planet has ever seen. Science does back me up on this one since it has been shown that no generation in the history of the planet has consumed the vast resources that this ONE generation of humans has. In the HISTORY OF THE PLANET!! Despite all their "love and peace" crap, in the end, the love and peace they were "protesting" for was their own!! How could the hippie generation possibly then give us George Bush Jr and the Hummer? Do I really need to say more to prove this point? For a great generic example of the typical Baby Boomer, check out the television show "Community" and the character that Chevy Chase plays--a narcissistic pathetic self-absorbed loser named "Pierce." I don't know if they created this character to be the epitome of the Baby Boomer generation but in my experience, he is, in fact, the epitome of the entire generation and I have had the dubious opportunity of watching a Baby Boomer LIKE this try to shake it off and it ain't pretty!
Back to my friend "Mary." Mary was your classic hippie in the 60's. Of course, photos of themselves are up all over their house (of course) showing them in their bell bottoms (no offense to bell bottoms; they're cool) and peasant blouses, attending concerts (you know which ones), hanging out at Haight and Ashbury, blah blah and blah. All the photos you would expect self-absorbed Baby Boomers to have up in their geodesic dome house (no kidding but it is a cool house). Their entire lives have been about one and only one thing--STUFF. Really nice fucking stuff. Stuff in their house. Stuff in their garage. Stuff in their attic. Stuff in their storage shed in the yard. STUFF STUFF STUFF. This has been the focus of their entire lives. CONSUMPTION whenever they want to for whatever reason they want it. No questions asked. One sibling of theirs, also a Baby Boomer, has a thing for hiking boots apparently and once ordered five different pairs and when he did not like them, he took them all, still practically brand new, to the DUMP. Yes, he threw them away. So these are the kind of folks we are talking about. People so self-absorbed and obsessed with gratification, they would throw perfectly good new things away. The thought of taking them to a thrift store or god forbid, a homeless shelter, never ever enters their minds. They are not capable of comprehending that there are OTHER people in the world, let alone people in need. They lack empathy. This is why they are dangerous and scary. Then they enter politics and this is terrifying but I diverge...
So, back to Mary. Mary and I love to walk and hike together but after that, we treat one another like we are from different planets. Aside from the fact that Mary and I like to do the same things outdoors, I have little idea why we are friends. We are very different. I am from the "ecology" era of the 70's. Years ago, Mary used to chuckle about my recycling nearly everything. She would smirk at my washed plastic bags. When I would tell her something about the planet--one of the many planet's illnesses due to us, she would tell me I was just "being negative." The other thing the Baby Boomer generation did is codify their narcissism through something they call(ed) the "New Age Movement" which is basically anti-intellectual and anti-critical thinking. If anyone dares to have a REAL conversation or engage in something intellectual, they immediately shame the shit out of you that you are being "negative." They are apparently too stupid to realize that intellectual conversation is not the same thing as "being negative" but their little worlds are so fragile that they have shove anyone and anything out of their worlds that might be real--pathologically so.
So of course, when I would try to talk to Mary about the plight of our beat up planet, I was "just being negative." When I would talk about uncontrollable corporate power and our Supreme Court, I was "just being negative." When I would have the audacity to suggest she call her legislator or our county council members or do ANYthing for ANYone besides herself and her husband, I could see her eyes almost roll back into her head and she went into, almost, some kind of convulsion. The idea that she would spend ANY time on the poor, democracy, the environment (that she loves so much) was so beyond her frame of reference, I once thought she was going to have some kind of seizure. And of course, everything I said was amusing. Simply amusing. It was tough for me to handle.
So, they had lots and lots of money. Lots and lots of material crap. On and one they lived (?) their lives until one day, I don't know, let's say about 2008, the shit hit the fan as we all know and it has kept hitting the fan ever since. They went from the 1% to the 99% without even realizing it and I am now getting to watch them coming to grips with this as they realize, all the things I have been saying for years are NOW COMING TRUE. Cultural paroxysms!! I am now watching my friend Mary going through them. It is fascinating. Once oblivious to the news, any news, because she was her own news, she is now picking up little tidbits of information--things like Occupy Wall Street, 99%er's, getting screwed over by unbridled corporate power (which happened to them), air quality where we live which can be bad and keeps her indoors...in other words, I am watching the exoskeleton of narcissism on my Baby Boomer friends, start to crack. Yes, it is cracking. And it is painful for my friends because they can no longer run out and BUY something. They don't have the money anymore. This has left them almost incapacitated for they knew no other way to to be an American. America is about one and only one thing by the way--materialism. It is not about "democracy" and "liberty" and "freedom" only in the sense that you can make a democratic choice with liberty and freedom what crap you buy at Walmart. There is freedom here. Other than that, we don't stand for much.
So you can imagine how narcissistic new age materialistic baby boomers are coping these days surrounded by a younger generation that is pissed off and gets it. The younger generation is not about accumulating massive amounts of crap. The younger generation has the audacity to bring up GLOBAL issues--one village stuff. Things like climate change, population growth, compassion for others, the poor (GAG. NOT THE POOR!! Do those people EVER go away?). The Baby Boomer generation is now surrounded by people DIFFERENT from them when they were so used to be "special" and the "role models" for the rest of us and now we are leaving them behind. Like the grown babies they are, they cannot take it. They are lost. They are confused.
They hunker down in front of their big flat-screen television sets with their boxed wine and watch porno taking breaks to check on their stock portfolios or what is left of them. This is what they do now. This is who they are. In the end, all the Baby Boomer generation did was consume the hell out of our planet and left the rest of us to clean it up. They ended up being weak and selfish except maybe one, or two, or three...One of them, my friend Mary, is slowly but definitely "getting it."
I have been eating whole wheat bread since I was 12 when I came home and told my parents about a disgusting chemistry experiment in which we took white bread, rolled it up into little balls, then dropped them into test tubes and even after one week, the HCL we added to the test tube (simulating the acid in a human stomach) could not penetrate the "bread" balls. This so grossed out my parents that we switched over to wheat bread immediately. Also, my mother was an amazing woman who in addition to raising three kids and working fulltime, regularly made whole wheat bread from scratch (and no, bread makers did not exist then). Anyhoo, Mary just discovered whole wheat bread. She is completely enamored with it but of course, assumes she is the first and only person to discover the benefits of whole wheat bread. She has been telling me about all the different kinds. Since I figured this out over 35 years ago, I just listen, incredulous. She is reading the news now or at least listening to NPR which is something. She is supporting the 99%er's on Wall Street and around the world. She told me she is concerned about climate change. She is taking her own bags to the grocery store. And how damn ironic. How damn ironic that all the things we THOUGHT the hippies stood for then, my generation and younger are having to TEACH them these things when they were supposed to be teaching US. It's bullshit but...
So while Mary's pathetic husband stays home and watches porno everyday with his t.v. and wine and computer, Mary is quietly but painfully breaking out. Breaking out of the curse of her generation. Breaking out of her shitty marriage, and hopefully breaking into a vision of our planet that is about something more than herself. We'll see. The jury is still out. I am right now 'occupying a Baby Boomer'. I'll let you know how it goes. Go find one to occupy. Stay tuned.
I know, you were hoping for a post about middle aged white women dating and I did this already. See previous posts. Nothing's changed. Sorry.
This post takes possibly too brutal of a look at the baby boomer generation but after years of observations, I cannot help but make a few on this generation.
BUT FIRST--my friend.
I have a friend who I will call Mary who I have been friends with for a few years now. There is a ten year different between Mary and I. Mary is a baby boomer while I am barely NOT. It has been fascinating to watch Mary go through what I can only call extremely painful cultural change because Mary is from the Baby Boomer Generation (now officially named with capital letters). In my opinion, only, but based on at least on anecdotal evidence, people from the Baby Boomer generation are the most self-absorbed, selfish, and materialistic humans the planet has ever seen. Science does back me up on this one since it has been shown that no generation in the history of the planet has consumed the vast resources that this ONE generation of humans has. In the HISTORY OF THE PLANET!! Despite all their "love and peace" crap, in the end, the love and peace they were "protesting" for was their own!! How could the hippie generation possibly then give us George Bush Jr and the Hummer? Do I really need to say more to prove this point? For a great generic example of the typical Baby Boomer, check out the television show "Community" and the character that Chevy Chase plays--a narcissistic pathetic self-absorbed loser named "Pierce." I don't know if they created this character to be the epitome of the Baby Boomer generation but in my experience, he is, in fact, the epitome of the entire generation and I have had the dubious opportunity of watching a Baby Boomer LIKE this try to shake it off and it ain't pretty!
Back to my friend "Mary." Mary was your classic hippie in the 60's. Of course, photos of themselves are up all over their house (of course) showing them in their bell bottoms (no offense to bell bottoms; they're cool) and peasant blouses, attending concerts (you know which ones), hanging out at Haight and Ashbury, blah blah and blah. All the photos you would expect self-absorbed Baby Boomers to have up in their geodesic dome house (no kidding but it is a cool house). Their entire lives have been about one and only one thing--STUFF. Really nice fucking stuff. Stuff in their house. Stuff in their garage. Stuff in their attic. Stuff in their storage shed in the yard. STUFF STUFF STUFF. This has been the focus of their entire lives. CONSUMPTION whenever they want to for whatever reason they want it. No questions asked. One sibling of theirs, also a Baby Boomer, has a thing for hiking boots apparently and once ordered five different pairs and when he did not like them, he took them all, still practically brand new, to the DUMP. Yes, he threw them away. So these are the kind of folks we are talking about. People so self-absorbed and obsessed with gratification, they would throw perfectly good new things away. The thought of taking them to a thrift store or god forbid, a homeless shelter, never ever enters their minds. They are not capable of comprehending that there are OTHER people in the world, let alone people in need. They lack empathy. This is why they are dangerous and scary. Then they enter politics and this is terrifying but I diverge...
So, back to Mary. Mary and I love to walk and hike together but after that, we treat one another like we are from different planets. Aside from the fact that Mary and I like to do the same things outdoors, I have little idea why we are friends. We are very different. I am from the "ecology" era of the 70's. Years ago, Mary used to chuckle about my recycling nearly everything. She would smirk at my washed plastic bags. When I would tell her something about the planet--one of the many planet's illnesses due to us, she would tell me I was just "being negative." The other thing the Baby Boomer generation did is codify their narcissism through something they call(ed) the "New Age Movement" which is basically anti-intellectual and anti-critical thinking. If anyone dares to have a REAL conversation or engage in something intellectual, they immediately shame the shit out of you that you are being "negative." They are apparently too stupid to realize that intellectual conversation is not the same thing as "being negative" but their little worlds are so fragile that they have shove anyone and anything out of their worlds that might be real--pathologically so.
So of course, when I would try to talk to Mary about the plight of our beat up planet, I was "just being negative." When I would talk about uncontrollable corporate power and our Supreme Court, I was "just being negative." When I would have the audacity to suggest she call her legislator or our county council members or do ANYthing for ANYone besides herself and her husband, I could see her eyes almost roll back into her head and she went into, almost, some kind of convulsion. The idea that she would spend ANY time on the poor, democracy, the environment (that she loves so much) was so beyond her frame of reference, I once thought she was going to have some kind of seizure. And of course, everything I said was amusing. Simply amusing. It was tough for me to handle.
So, they had lots and lots of money. Lots and lots of material crap. On and one they lived (?) their lives until one day, I don't know, let's say about 2008, the shit hit the fan as we all know and it has kept hitting the fan ever since. They went from the 1% to the 99% without even realizing it and I am now getting to watch them coming to grips with this as they realize, all the things I have been saying for years are NOW COMING TRUE. Cultural paroxysms!! I am now watching my friend Mary going through them. It is fascinating. Once oblivious to the news, any news, because she was her own news, she is now picking up little tidbits of information--things like Occupy Wall Street, 99%er's, getting screwed over by unbridled corporate power (which happened to them), air quality where we live which can be bad and keeps her indoors...in other words, I am watching the exoskeleton of narcissism on my Baby Boomer friends, start to crack. Yes, it is cracking. And it is painful for my friends because they can no longer run out and BUY something. They don't have the money anymore. This has left them almost incapacitated for they knew no other way to to be an American. America is about one and only one thing by the way--materialism. It is not about "democracy" and "liberty" and "freedom" only in the sense that you can make a democratic choice with liberty and freedom what crap you buy at Walmart. There is freedom here. Other than that, we don't stand for much.
So you can imagine how narcissistic new age materialistic baby boomers are coping these days surrounded by a younger generation that is pissed off and gets it. The younger generation is not about accumulating massive amounts of crap. The younger generation has the audacity to bring up GLOBAL issues--one village stuff. Things like climate change, population growth, compassion for others, the poor (GAG. NOT THE POOR!! Do those people EVER go away?). The Baby Boomer generation is now surrounded by people DIFFERENT from them when they were so used to be "special" and the "role models" for the rest of us and now we are leaving them behind. Like the grown babies they are, they cannot take it. They are lost. They are confused.
They hunker down in front of their big flat-screen television sets with their boxed wine and watch porno taking breaks to check on their stock portfolios or what is left of them. This is what they do now. This is who they are. In the end, all the Baby Boomer generation did was consume the hell out of our planet and left the rest of us to clean it up. They ended up being weak and selfish except maybe one, or two, or three...One of them, my friend Mary, is slowly but definitely "getting it."
I have been eating whole wheat bread since I was 12 when I came home and told my parents about a disgusting chemistry experiment in which we took white bread, rolled it up into little balls, then dropped them into test tubes and even after one week, the HCL we added to the test tube (simulating the acid in a human stomach) could not penetrate the "bread" balls. This so grossed out my parents that we switched over to wheat bread immediately. Also, my mother was an amazing woman who in addition to raising three kids and working fulltime, regularly made whole wheat bread from scratch (and no, bread makers did not exist then). Anyhoo, Mary just discovered whole wheat bread. She is completely enamored with it but of course, assumes she is the first and only person to discover the benefits of whole wheat bread. She has been telling me about all the different kinds. Since I figured this out over 35 years ago, I just listen, incredulous. She is reading the news now or at least listening to NPR which is something. She is supporting the 99%er's on Wall Street and around the world. She told me she is concerned about climate change. She is taking her own bags to the grocery store. And how damn ironic. How damn ironic that all the things we THOUGHT the hippies stood for then, my generation and younger are having to TEACH them these things when they were supposed to be teaching US. It's bullshit but...
So while Mary's pathetic husband stays home and watches porno everyday with his t.v. and wine and computer, Mary is quietly but painfully breaking out. Breaking out of the curse of her generation. Breaking out of her shitty marriage, and hopefully breaking into a vision of our planet that is about something more than herself. We'll see. The jury is still out. I am right now 'occupying a Baby Boomer'. I'll let you know how it goes. Go find one to occupy. Stay tuned.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Types of White Men I Have Met Online Dating
Ok. So what does making vast general inferences about the entire white race have to do with my experiences online dating white men? Well, it means I cannot entirely blame them for who they seem to be. There is a societal element to everything anyway. Or, as I said in the previous post, whites are just uptight anyway. To see my point, check out Dave Chapelle's show sometime when he parodies the white male or even worse, the white male yuppie and he is right on. These are the guys I have been meeting. What's wrong with these people?
So, continuing down my supremely simplistic history of the white race, at least in America, since the white race then dominated the culture for, I will say, around 500 years, this is the culture all the other cultures are expected to emulate and in most cases, by force. (Read Overthrow by Kinzer and you will understand the history of why this is true and for Native American history, oh my God...). Only now, we are at a point in history where other races and cultures are saying, "hey man, I don't want to emulate the whites. We have our own culture. Why should we fold in with yours anyway not to mention it's really f-ing boring and your culture is killing the planet?" So now there is a backlash forming against white culture and "ye old paradigms" but for the most part, whites are still in charge and while they are in charge, 'taint gonna be any paradigm crashes around here! But the cataclysms (figuratively speaking only I hope) are forming. Something better has to replace what is going on anyway or the entire human race will go extinct. Not that I necessarily think this is a bad thing. The planet would not mind.
Ok Ok. So what in the hell does this have to do with my online dating experiences as a white middle-aged woman? Compassion. I try to have compassion for these men based on that it may not all be their fault but it's really hard to do.
On to the categorization of white men I have dated and see how we are? I am categorizing them. Can't help it. It's in my genes.
Here are my tentative categories of men I have met online, all white. Also be advised that these can intergrade with one another.
1. AWWD Men: Any Woman Will Do Men
These are men who just cannot be alone. They have to have a woman all the time.
Almost all the men I have met who are AWWD have been married 2 times or more. If you meet a man that has been married at least 3 times and is looking for a 4th, he may be a AWWD man. Another term used to describe them is "serial monogamist." The honest to God truth is AWWD men could not give a shit about you--how "unique" you are, your interests, your desires, etc. They go on looks a lot of the time and as long as they have a girlfriend, they really don't care what she is about. In fact, their ideal woman is the one that doesn't talk. If you are with a AWWD man, you find yourself very lonely even when you are with him.
Yes, AWWD men CAN in time develop an interest in you but it may be just to facilitate their own self-interest. They 'contaminate' everything they touch with their own self-interest. So, let's say you love to read and jog. They will disdain your love of reading or ignore it but if they jog, will definitely join you. You see, if facilitates their own SELFish interests. Theoretically at least, all people can come around over time but don't expect him to be deeply interested in you, ever.
2. Men That Just Want to Date Themselves
These appear to be the most common type of men I have dated. I am not kidding either. They are really looking for a woman who is exactly like they are. (Yes AWWD men can be this category too). These men are pretty easy to spot. True stories: the guy I dated whose dream it was to find a woman to play golf with him. All I said to him is "I used to play some golf" and immediately he launched into a fantasy about how he had "finally" found a woman to play golf with and where we would go, etc. It was all fine and dandy except I did not want to do this. It did not matter. He thought he finally found himself to date. Other examples are the guy that fixes up old cars and wants to find a woman who will help him fix up old cars. The guy that fishes and wants to find the woman who will love fishing as much as he does. The guy that is into Chinese art and is looking for the woman to pursue this interest with him. You get the picture (or painting). The point is these men will not be interested in you. They will be interested only in that you will evolve into little female renditions of themselves. These men are also the kind that don't understand why they are still alone.
3. "I Have a Fantasy Girl in My Head I am Already in Love With. Please Be This Girl?"
Again, this can be the above category. The girl in their head they are in love with, is the female rendition of themselves. But there are also the men who have an idea of the woman they want and have already fallen for her. I cannot blame these men because online dating lends itself to the "checklist" mentality anyway. The entire process is a checklist of things you do want and don't want, like you are ordering an item from a catalog! It's the same thing only with human beings. So you cannot blame men and women for approaching a new potential partner by checking off the list in their heads as they meet you. I know this is true because one man I met said to me "you're almost what I want." ALMOST?? God. Was it my hair? My teeth? My eyes? My ass? Ridiculous. Nonetheless, online dating is a checklist and your potential partner will no doubt be quietly going down his list when he meets you. Product love. You are a product. He is a product. Let the two products meet, evaluate one another, and make new products. Crazy.
Because of my physical characteristics, even at my age, I get past the initial checklist quickly. I am blonde (or trying to be as the gray comes in), blue eyed, somewhat petite; so right off the bat, I can tell these men have filled in their checklist for me regarding my appearance. I really liked the guy I met who told me he "usually prefers brunettes but thought he would give a blonde (me) a shot." A shot? Again, what am I, a different color hat?
I do not waste my time on these men. One of two things happens: they will try like crazy to cram you into their script they have already written for you or decide to "make concessions" while still looking for their "perfect" woman. This means while he is dating you, he is still emailing other women online in his incessant and sad quest to find his perfect/fantasy women that does not exist.
4. Narcissists
For God sakes. This is our entire culture. Our whole economic system is built on
promoting narcissism. It fuels capitalism. So this is where "societal pressure" comes in big time-- you give the monkey access to the toys and he will play with them and after all, we are still unevolved monkeys. Still operating off the brain stem=primitive brain. So I cannot totally blame narcissistic men for being this way. Nonetheless. if you meet what appears to be a pathological narcissist, run. Run far far away and quickly. There is even a name for when it gets really bad--Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In short, these men are in love with themselves even beyond men looking to date themselves. Your job is to worship them and prop their lame asses up at your expense. These men will leach you to the bone if you let them. They may also be passive aggressive and screw with your head a lot. There is no hope here. Just get away.
5. Men That Haven't Got a Clue
This follows narcissistic men for a reason. N.M. and MTHGaC can be the same thing.
But there is also definitely the men that just do not get it about women and maybe they never will. I haven't totally figured these guys out. Do they have early Alzheimers? Are they just dumb? Lazy? Are they just not that into me? These are the men you tell something to over and over and they still do not get it. In fact, you could rent the blimp with the words on the side of it and fly it right in front of them and you're lucky if they even notice THE BLIMP!!
Examples:
Nitwit: where have you been?
Woman: I went out of town for work, remember? I told you? Maybe more than once?
Nitwit: Oh. You're back now?
Woman: Yes. (Gosh, he's a real rocket scientist!)
Uhm....
Nitwit: Well, where did you go?
Woman" San Francisco? Remember, I told you?
Nitwit: Oh. Yea. Well...Did you have a good time?
Woman: A good time? It was work. I guess I had a good time but I was there to work.
Nitwit: Oh. Did the work go alright?
Smart Woman: You know what? I have to go now. BYE!
Or the guy who I dated for awhile who walked through my garage a few times where he went past my skis, all kinds of them. When I told him I was going skiing, he acted surprised. HELLO? ANYONE IN THERE? The guy that after my telling him I really love a coffee mug he is using because it was from a good friend then takes it outside and into his car. We are taking a day trip. It is our first date. He acts surprised when I ask him to please not take my favorite coffee mug into his car because I do not want it to get broken, etc. I ask him to please put it back into the house. He has no interest at all in why I like the coffee mug or who the friend is.
TOO MANY MORE EXAMPLES!!! MUST STOP HERE!
6. Baby Men
These are men looking for a woman to take care of them--clean, fix dinner, pick out their clothes. Basically Baby Men want their mommies. Examples of my experience with Baby Men are they whine. Like the guy I went skiing with. I wanted to go ahead to the lodge and go to the bathroom but he almost screamed, "I don't know where to go. I don't know where to go. Wait for me." Jesus Christ. Grow the fuck up dude. I am just going to the bathroom and if you look to your right, there is a big big building that says SKI LODGE on it. You can find it. Baby Men are the MOST annoying for me. They have to be everywhere you are. They have little concept of personal space and they cannot make decisions. They also cannot fix anything or suddenly you find yourself fixing something they started. I have no respect for Baby Men. None.
They disgust me. Then again, I want what I will never find--a real man who does not
recognize gender-defined roles and can make me dinner while I clean the garage or vice versa. We just work together and gender has little to do with it.
7. Day Planner Men
I probably do not need to expound on this type too much. Basically, he is incredibly busy either with his business or job (his REAL girlfriend is his job and you are the other woman). To even plan to go to a movie with this guy is ridiculous. He may have 4 kids from 2 different wives. One of his ex wives is calling him or his kids or his employees...and you are often relegated to waiting around while he checks his email. He has to schedule you in to do just about anything. These men do not understand that in order to have a fulfilling relationship, you have to make SACRIFICES in your life, including your time. So they hope they can slip you in between racket ball and their son's soccer match but they can't because it is impossible. I won't date Day Planner Guys unless they get it--I am a terrific woman and if you want to see me, make the time and don't make me feel like shit either because you did.
8. Rats/Players
Do I really need to elaborate on rats? They see other women while they are seeing you and lie about it or they don't lie about it but then act shocked or even humiliate you when you say you can't handle it.
Love?
I did fall in love once with a wonderful man but we did not meet online. We met one another at a botanical garden. He had no agenda. No script for me. No role for me to play. He was funny and when we met, he made me laugh. It was simple. It was fun. I could be myself as could he. We were just two human beings. Not a checklist of characteristics. Online dating cheapens these experiences. Men need to ask women out like in the old days. Men need to look around at the women in their lives and get off the computer. I still remember sitting next to a very appealing man at bar in the Bay area and what did we talk about? Online dating. We laughed about it. Joked about some of the people we met. Then after a few minutes when I could not get my courage up to give him my phone number, he turned to me, laughing, to tell me he was going home to check his online dating site. There I was. A perfectly fine woman...and he was going home to check his computer. This is sad.
Have I found a man in 5 years of online dating? No. I still think the way we should meet our partners is through, God forbid, chemistry. This is the sure fire way and the way our ancestors met as well. Chemistry, pheromones, circumstance, and timing. This has not changed and online dating will never replace this. We need to bring back the Saturday night dances...and we need to summon up our courage. Not hide behind a trend that has turned the pleasures of love into a commodity only to leave the vast majority of us, still alone.
So, continuing down my supremely simplistic history of the white race, at least in America, since the white race then dominated the culture for, I will say, around 500 years, this is the culture all the other cultures are expected to emulate and in most cases, by force. (Read Overthrow by Kinzer and you will understand the history of why this is true and for Native American history, oh my God...). Only now, we are at a point in history where other races and cultures are saying, "hey man, I don't want to emulate the whites. We have our own culture. Why should we fold in with yours anyway not to mention it's really f-ing boring and your culture is killing the planet?" So now there is a backlash forming against white culture and "ye old paradigms" but for the most part, whites are still in charge and while they are in charge, 'taint gonna be any paradigm crashes around here! But the cataclysms (figuratively speaking only I hope) are forming. Something better has to replace what is going on anyway or the entire human race will go extinct. Not that I necessarily think this is a bad thing. The planet would not mind.
Ok Ok. So what in the hell does this have to do with my online dating experiences as a white middle-aged woman? Compassion. I try to have compassion for these men based on that it may not all be their fault but it's really hard to do.
On to the categorization of white men I have dated and see how we are? I am categorizing them. Can't help it. It's in my genes.
Here are my tentative categories of men I have met online, all white. Also be advised that these can intergrade with one another.
1. AWWD Men: Any Woman Will Do Men
These are men who just cannot be alone. They have to have a woman all the time.
Almost all the men I have met who are AWWD have been married 2 times or more. If you meet a man that has been married at least 3 times and is looking for a 4th, he may be a AWWD man. Another term used to describe them is "serial monogamist." The honest to God truth is AWWD men could not give a shit about you--how "unique" you are, your interests, your desires, etc. They go on looks a lot of the time and as long as they have a girlfriend, they really don't care what she is about. In fact, their ideal woman is the one that doesn't talk. If you are with a AWWD man, you find yourself very lonely even when you are with him.
Yes, AWWD men CAN in time develop an interest in you but it may be just to facilitate their own self-interest. They 'contaminate' everything they touch with their own self-interest. So, let's say you love to read and jog. They will disdain your love of reading or ignore it but if they jog, will definitely join you. You see, if facilitates their own SELFish interests. Theoretically at least, all people can come around over time but don't expect him to be deeply interested in you, ever.
2. Men That Just Want to Date Themselves
These appear to be the most common type of men I have dated. I am not kidding either. They are really looking for a woman who is exactly like they are. (Yes AWWD men can be this category too). These men are pretty easy to spot. True stories: the guy I dated whose dream it was to find a woman to play golf with him. All I said to him is "I used to play some golf" and immediately he launched into a fantasy about how he had "finally" found a woman to play golf with and where we would go, etc. It was all fine and dandy except I did not want to do this. It did not matter. He thought he finally found himself to date. Other examples are the guy that fixes up old cars and wants to find a woman who will help him fix up old cars. The guy that fishes and wants to find the woman who will love fishing as much as he does. The guy that is into Chinese art and is looking for the woman to pursue this interest with him. You get the picture (or painting). The point is these men will not be interested in you. They will be interested only in that you will evolve into little female renditions of themselves. These men are also the kind that don't understand why they are still alone.
3. "I Have a Fantasy Girl in My Head I am Already in Love With. Please Be This Girl?"
Again, this can be the above category. The girl in their head they are in love with, is the female rendition of themselves. But there are also the men who have an idea of the woman they want and have already fallen for her. I cannot blame these men because online dating lends itself to the "checklist" mentality anyway. The entire process is a checklist of things you do want and don't want, like you are ordering an item from a catalog! It's the same thing only with human beings. So you cannot blame men and women for approaching a new potential partner by checking off the list in their heads as they meet you. I know this is true because one man I met said to me "you're almost what I want." ALMOST?? God. Was it my hair? My teeth? My eyes? My ass? Ridiculous. Nonetheless, online dating is a checklist and your potential partner will no doubt be quietly going down his list when he meets you. Product love. You are a product. He is a product. Let the two products meet, evaluate one another, and make new products. Crazy.
Because of my physical characteristics, even at my age, I get past the initial checklist quickly. I am blonde (or trying to be as the gray comes in), blue eyed, somewhat petite; so right off the bat, I can tell these men have filled in their checklist for me regarding my appearance. I really liked the guy I met who told me he "usually prefers brunettes but thought he would give a blonde (me) a shot." A shot? Again, what am I, a different color hat?
I do not waste my time on these men. One of two things happens: they will try like crazy to cram you into their script they have already written for you or decide to "make concessions" while still looking for their "perfect" woman. This means while he is dating you, he is still emailing other women online in his incessant and sad quest to find his perfect/fantasy women that does not exist.
4. Narcissists
For God sakes. This is our entire culture. Our whole economic system is built on
promoting narcissism. It fuels capitalism. So this is where "societal pressure" comes in big time-- you give the monkey access to the toys and he will play with them and after all, we are still unevolved monkeys. Still operating off the brain stem=primitive brain. So I cannot totally blame narcissistic men for being this way. Nonetheless. if you meet what appears to be a pathological narcissist, run. Run far far away and quickly. There is even a name for when it gets really bad--Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In short, these men are in love with themselves even beyond men looking to date themselves. Your job is to worship them and prop their lame asses up at your expense. These men will leach you to the bone if you let them. They may also be passive aggressive and screw with your head a lot. There is no hope here. Just get away.
5. Men That Haven't Got a Clue
This follows narcissistic men for a reason. N.M. and MTHGaC can be the same thing.
But there is also definitely the men that just do not get it about women and maybe they never will. I haven't totally figured these guys out. Do they have early Alzheimers? Are they just dumb? Lazy? Are they just not that into me? These are the men you tell something to over and over and they still do not get it. In fact, you could rent the blimp with the words on the side of it and fly it right in front of them and you're lucky if they even notice THE BLIMP!!
Examples:
Nitwit: where have you been?
Woman: I went out of town for work, remember? I told you? Maybe more than once?
Nitwit: Oh. You're back now?
Woman: Yes. (Gosh, he's a real rocket scientist!)
Uhm....
Nitwit: Well, where did you go?
Woman" San Francisco? Remember, I told you?
Nitwit: Oh. Yea. Well...Did you have a good time?
Woman: A good time? It was work. I guess I had a good time but I was there to work.
Nitwit: Oh. Did the work go alright?
Smart Woman: You know what? I have to go now. BYE!
Or the guy who I dated for awhile who walked through my garage a few times where he went past my skis, all kinds of them. When I told him I was going skiing, he acted surprised. HELLO? ANYONE IN THERE? The guy that after my telling him I really love a coffee mug he is using because it was from a good friend then takes it outside and into his car. We are taking a day trip. It is our first date. He acts surprised when I ask him to please not take my favorite coffee mug into his car because I do not want it to get broken, etc. I ask him to please put it back into the house. He has no interest at all in why I like the coffee mug or who the friend is.
TOO MANY MORE EXAMPLES!!! MUST STOP HERE!
6. Baby Men
These are men looking for a woman to take care of them--clean, fix dinner, pick out their clothes. Basically Baby Men want their mommies. Examples of my experience with Baby Men are they whine. Like the guy I went skiing with. I wanted to go ahead to the lodge and go to the bathroom but he almost screamed, "I don't know where to go. I don't know where to go. Wait for me." Jesus Christ. Grow the fuck up dude. I am just going to the bathroom and if you look to your right, there is a big big building that says SKI LODGE on it. You can find it. Baby Men are the MOST annoying for me. They have to be everywhere you are. They have little concept of personal space and they cannot make decisions. They also cannot fix anything or suddenly you find yourself fixing something they started. I have no respect for Baby Men. None.
They disgust me. Then again, I want what I will never find--a real man who does not
recognize gender-defined roles and can make me dinner while I clean the garage or vice versa. We just work together and gender has little to do with it.
7. Day Planner Men
I probably do not need to expound on this type too much. Basically, he is incredibly busy either with his business or job (his REAL girlfriend is his job and you are the other woman). To even plan to go to a movie with this guy is ridiculous. He may have 4 kids from 2 different wives. One of his ex wives is calling him or his kids or his employees...and you are often relegated to waiting around while he checks his email. He has to schedule you in to do just about anything. These men do not understand that in order to have a fulfilling relationship, you have to make SACRIFICES in your life, including your time. So they hope they can slip you in between racket ball and their son's soccer match but they can't because it is impossible. I won't date Day Planner Guys unless they get it--I am a terrific woman and if you want to see me, make the time and don't make me feel like shit either because you did.
8. Rats/Players
Do I really need to elaborate on rats? They see other women while they are seeing you and lie about it or they don't lie about it but then act shocked or even humiliate you when you say you can't handle it.
Love?
I did fall in love once with a wonderful man but we did not meet online. We met one another at a botanical garden. He had no agenda. No script for me. No role for me to play. He was funny and when we met, he made me laugh. It was simple. It was fun. I could be myself as could he. We were just two human beings. Not a checklist of characteristics. Online dating cheapens these experiences. Men need to ask women out like in the old days. Men need to look around at the women in their lives and get off the computer. I still remember sitting next to a very appealing man at bar in the Bay area and what did we talk about? Online dating. We laughed about it. Joked about some of the people we met. Then after a few minutes when I could not get my courage up to give him my phone number, he turned to me, laughing, to tell me he was going home to check his online dating site. There I was. A perfectly fine woman...and he was going home to check his computer. This is sad.
Have I found a man in 5 years of online dating? No. I still think the way we should meet our partners is through, God forbid, chemistry. This is the sure fire way and the way our ancestors met as well. Chemistry, pheromones, circumstance, and timing. This has not changed and online dating will never replace this. We need to bring back the Saturday night dances...and we need to summon up our courage. Not hide behind a trend that has turned the pleasures of love into a commodity only to leave the vast majority of us, still alone.
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